Off to war: the battle for my mind

Since returning from a trip out of town, I've been in a lot of pain. I am thankfully scheduled to see a doctor today, but for the last few weeks I have been limping around with a lot of pain in my left leg. Sitting relieves it some, but in other ways just shifts it. Pain can, as I've written before, be a motivator, but it can also be very distracting. Pain can make one turn inward in self-pity. Even sitting here writing this is something of a burden on me, as I'd much rather be doing something that involves less working my mind and more just absorbing entertainment to distract me.

A consequence has been that it's been difficult to sit down and study the Word lately. I end up turning to it trying to find comfort but studying it has gone out the window. In the end, I find myself struggling with maintaining a grip on even basic truths, because my mind is willful and doesn't want to focus on God. It's given the enemy openings to exploit my fears and doubts, to amplify my sin before my eyes and darken my sight of Christ and His sacrifice for me.

I've had quite enough. To hell with this pain. I am not going to let it get between me and God, and I am sure as hell not going to let it drag me into some pool of despair. I am going to dig in on Romans 12:2: "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." God is the one who is doing work in me, changing my heart. I am responsible for my mind, what it is fed with and where it's focused, and I am not letting it take the easy road to destruction.

Last week was the final week of the men's Bible study for this season, until it starts again in January. A speaker came to give his testimony, Dr. Willie Peterson, a man who has been a big influence in the life of my table leader. Listening to him brought two important lessons to me. Well, one was a reinforcement of a previous one from our last speaker: all the Godly men I've met always point outward, they are always quick to give credit for where they are to others, and it was no different with him. There was no self-aggrandizement, only "oh, this wasn't me, this guy and this guy, they're the ones who led me out of where I was and showed me the way." In the same way God has convicted me where my own pride has held me up, and I seek every day to give it up, to surrender it, and it helps when I find real joy in being around men who lead me to be this way.

The other lesson was a practical one: find someone in the Bible that you feel kinship with in some way, someone that's similar to you, and study their lives. Contrary to popular misconception, the Bible is not full of Ned Flanders types that do nothing but float around while God dumps wrath on the rest of the fools around him. Time and time again, God picks up unlikely people and sets them up high. It is His way. It's mentioned explicitly when Jesus speaks on the Beatitudes in Matthew 5: "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." That's absolute craziness to normal human thinking, but God shows His hand by working contrary to how we think things should work. The man I feel has the most in common with me is my biblical namesake, David. There are three reasons in particular: 1) He was a musician; 2) He was a leader; and 3) He struggled with lust. Granted, there's much more to him than this, but these are pretty big points in his story, and they're pretty big points in mine.

So, I'm pursuing the renewal of my mind by looking at his life as it's written about, from the beginning. I'll write about it some here, especially as I find parallels with my own walk. The biggest thing I notice about him right at the beginning, that I strive for: he has absolutely no fear of anything earthly, but knowing more about him, he has total fear of God. I am digging in here so that I may push forward with that as a goal.

Getting up early really DOES build character

This morning was the second-to-last Tuesday morning men's Bible study for the fall over at church. Last spring was the first one but I didn't make it all the way through; being on the road combined with lots of other excuses led to me bailing on it about halfway through. This time, though, God granted me the drive to get my ass out of bed at 5am and get ready to make it there by 6:15. It's been one of the most fruitful things I've been involved in, and my table leader has made a huge impact on me, in terms of how I am approaching the people around me and how I'm approaching my quiet time with God. In my search to put things down that separate me from God, I often forget that the biggest thing we're called to do is love Him and those around us, and that part of that call is to go into the world and make disciples for Christ. I can't say that I've got any disciples following me around, but I do have a group of men who are pursuing Christ alongside me and who encourage me in my bad times and celebrate with me in the good, and through whom God has given me hope for the future and a lot of strength. So while the professional musician in me despises waking up while it's still dark, thankfully the Spirit's been a lot stronger.

I've been worn out lately, just feeling tired, especially after our trip out of town and back where I was up for about two days straight. In spite of that, I'm glad to be reminded on days like this that God's still there, when it's so easy for me to start feeling weighed down with my own problems. I wrote last time that I was feeling really introspective, and I talked with the guys about that today. It was getting to the point where it was interfering with my ability to do life in any way. Introspection is good to a point where it drives you to put down something that's destructive, but as with everything else on earth it quickly becomes destructive when uncoupled from real submission to God. I've found myself going into "I need to fix this or God will be mad at me" mode several times, and even though I know it's wrong and wholly unbiblical, it's hard not to think like that. I still struggle with sin--but of course I do. I'm justified, but I'm not perfect; at the same time, I need to continue to live in confession with the believers I'm close to, and to keep looking to Christ in those times when I feel tempted.

Beau preached this Sunday, and he spoke on the issue of anxiety, how it leads us to try to control our lives yet frustrates us with our inability to do so. This can be good to a very limited degree in that it brings us to realize that we're on a wrong course, but so many of us (myself included) have a hard time letting Him drive. Matthew 6:22-23 says, "The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!" I grow more anxious when I spend my time looking at the things that concern me--the things that tempt me to sin, the possible problems to com in the future--because they begin to overwhelm me. I need to look to God because He's the one in control, He's the one who's set me free, and He's the one who gives me the strength to endure and the ability to rejoice. I'm gonna pull over and let Someone Else drive.

Workin' on down

I'm continuing my new job and things are going well at Ye Olde Musick Shoppe. Sold a sax with a very nice commission attached, and felt good about that, which of course led me to thoughts of "am I taking joy in receiving this, or in knowing that God is providing for me?" I am amazed that God has instilled a lot of patience in me, because I know under other circumstances always being so introspective about little things like that would piss me off after a while. However, it's the little things that always seem to get in the way, always seem to grow quickly into big things that drag me off course. Grumbling about someone who annoys me becomes grousing about every person I encounter, which becomes an unloving attitude. Lingering on a girl's picture for a little too long rushes headlong into lust. It's for these reasons I've been reading another Piper book. Of course, Piper is not the Word, but he does help me understand it. I'm thankful that so many great minds have been reconciled to God--John Piper, C.S. Lewis, Francis Schaeffer, Jonathan Edwards, and many others--to shine truth's light on the Word.

Lately I've been in Colossians, but I've felt pulled into the Psalms a lot. I was named after King David and I feel like I have a lot in common with him; I swing back and forth between a deep devotion and love for God and suddenly finding myself running headlong into some dumbass decision that I know better than to do. Psalm 145 is it for me today:

I will extol you, my God and King,
and bless your name forever and ever.
Every day I will bless you
and praise your name forever and ever.
Great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised,
and his greatness is unsearchable.

One generation shall commend your works to another,
and shall declare your mighty acts.
On the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and on your wondrous works, I will meditate.
They shall speak of the might of your awesome deeds,
and I will declare your greatness.
They shall pour forth the fame of your abundant goodness
and shall sing aloud of your righteousness.

The LORD is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
The LORD is good to all,
and his mercy is over all that he has made.

All your works shall give thanks to you, O LORD,
and all your saints shall bless you!
They shall speak of the glory of your kingdom
and tell of your power,
to make known to the children of man your mighty deeds,
and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures throughout all generations.

[The LORD is faithful in all his words
and kind in all his works.]
The LORD upholds all who are falling
and raises up all who are bowed down.
The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food in due season.

You open your hand;
you satisfy the desire of every living thing.
The LORD is righteous in all his ways
and kind in all his works.
The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
He fulfills the desire of those who fear him;
he also hears their cry and saves them.
The LORD preserves all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.

My mouth will speak the praise of the LORD,
and let all flesh bless his holy name forever and ever.

Covering all sides

As anyone who knows me can say, I am a long-time admirer of C.S. Lewis and his writings. I find him to be incredibly insightful into the state of both the individual believer and non-believer, and of the church as a whole, even to the modern day. As they say, the more things change the more they stay the same, and reading a book like Mere Christianity can be very revealing when he speaks critically about the state of the church in his day, or how in his day as in ours people on all political sides were willing to take up the Word as a political club to get what they want but not at all willing to submit their lives to its Author.

Lewis was a prolific writer and me being a prolific reader, naturally I continue to take in as much of him and others as I can. When someone asks me "What stirs your affections for God?" I always respond with "reading the works of those who love Him and writing about how they impact my life." But all this introduces new opportunities into my life for the sin of pride, as I build my knowledge and read more and more, and spend more time writing about it.

But what's the answer? Not to run hard the other way, becoming someone who divests himself of the mind on the idea that "it's not spiritual," as though the Spirit can only be made manifest in overwrought emotions. As C.S. Lewis would say, that's an example of Satan getting us to argue about which of two equally wrong ideas are better (there I go again). Rather, there must be a central truth to govern it all, to put it all in place, and that's Christ. It's why Paul says in 2 Corinthians 10 that believers are at war, and as part of that war we "take every thought captive to obey Christ."

A place I have trouble with this is when I come to face down my sin of lust. It's hard to combat a deep sexual desire with knowledge--knowledge becomes this ethereal thing, hard to pin down, hard to make practical in that moment. I know a lot of things that I don't put into practice, but then, a philosophy that makes no impact on the life of the one who holds it isn't much of a philosophy. So clearly knowing a lot and reading lots of great writers is not enough. I have to submit all of my desires to Him, and do the hard work that will result in my greatest desire being for God. Only in that do I find myself a step closer to growing into a Godly man, rather than a boy held captive by his whims like a piece of paper blown about in a storm. Even then, though, I'm not the ultimate captain of my fate--rather, I am trading the destination-less tumble that is my life under my own command for the straight and steady course laid out by Christ, with its destination of true joy with God.

Or to go back to the war analogy, on my own I'm under fire in the battle field, no communication and no plan, with certain death looming. Submitting to Christ I am given strategy and tactics, I know which way I'm going, and death holds no fear for me, because no matter how today turns out He's still there. There's real joy, real pleasure to be had there, and I pray that when things get difficult God will make me just as mindful of this at that point as well.

My prayer tonight

Psalm 143

Hear my prayer, O LORD;
give ear to my pleas for mercy!
In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness!
Enter not into judgment with your servant,
for no one living is righteous before you.

For the enemy has pursued my soul;
he has crushed my life to the ground;
he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.
Therefore my spirit faints within me;
my heart within me is appalled.

I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all that you have done;
I ponder the work of your hands.
I stretch out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.

Answer me quickly, O LORD!
My spirit fails!
Hide not your face from me,
lest I be like those who go down to the pit.
Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,
for in you I trust.
Make me know the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.

Deliver me from my enemies, O LORD!
I have fled to you for refuge!
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God!
Let your good Spirit lead me
on level ground!

For your name’s sake, O LORD, preserve my life!
In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble!
And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies,
and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul,
for I am your servant.

Monday: off to war

Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christ's afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church...--Colossians 1:24

It's funny that this is the verse I ran into today after the last few days of dealing with proponents of the prosperity gospel. Paul is not submitting with annoyance to God in hard times--this man is rejoicing as he suffers. This is not normal for humanity. Who likes to suffer? I know I don't. But he had been so transformed by the power of the Gospel that he looked at suffering for Christ's sake as something to take joy in. Whether or not he was happy is debatable, but happiness and joy are not the same thing.

Paul has an eagerness to pursue Christ that I desire in myself. I have grown deeper in my affections for Him, but at the same time my desires and my faith are still immature. I know more than I did, I am stronger than I was, and all this comes from God and through His hand, not from anything I've done. Yet I consistently seek more of Him. In God I find real growing joy, even in the midst of pain; in God I find the only thing that inspires me to be excited that doesn't bore me eventually. I pray that I will have the courage to be a minister of the Gospel today to those I interact with, and for courage when the enemy's attacks come. Whatever may come, He is there and He's always moving and working in me, and for that I am more grateful than even I can express; He is life and whatever else comes, no one can strip that from me.

Upcoming performances

I wanted to post about stuff coming up that I'll be performing at. Specifically, I'll be playing with Quentin Moore at the DFW Neo-Soul Extravaganza. Quentin is a great musician who's recently released his first album of soul/R&B music that gets back to the roots of R&B, and I've enjoyed covering the bass parts on tuba for the last few months now. This will be a big show featuring a lot of different acts; check out the commercial for it here:




There will be free food and drink specials, and admission is only $10. The event will be held in David A's Club at the Sterling Hotel, 1055 Regal Row in Dallas; doors open at 8pm.