Advent: Why has He come?

You might not have noticed yet, but it's the Christmas season.  I know, I know..."Really?  I didn't notice.  I mean, aside from the EVERYTHING CHRISTMAS IS EVERYTHING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I CAN'T TAKE IT" sorry...I think I was channeling a retail employee for a moment there.  My point is, it's Christmas, and that also means that it's time for one essay and discussion after another about "the real meaning of Christmas" or "what Christmas is all about."

Well, let's start simple:


 But more specifically: why did Christ come?  Why did God move to effect salvation of man by sending His Son to Earth to become human, to live the life he did, to die, and to rise again?  To examine all the implications of and answers to that question, would require a book and perhaps someday I'll be given the chance to write that.  But I want to speak to the presuppositions underlying the issue, as well as share some of the more thought-provoking reading I've been blessed to engage in lately, thanks to the new house which gives me my own "study" to do said reading.

One of the remarkable things about Christianity is the nature of God as He reveals Himself in His Word.  I am going to turn over a not-small portion of this post to Francis Schaeffer, because I don't feel I can explain it better without simply plagiarizing him:

The historic Christian answer concerning verifiable facts and knowing turns on who God is, on who is there.  The God who is there according to the Scriptures is the personal-infinite God.  There is no other god like this God.  It is ridiculous to say that all religions teach the same things when they disagree at the fundamental point as to what God is like.  The gods of the East are infinite by definition--the definition being "god is all that is."  This is the pan-everything-ism god.  The gods of the West have tended to be personal but limited; such were the gods of the Greeks, Romans and Germans.  But the God of the Bible, Old and New Testaments alike, is the infinite-personal God.

[...]

How then is God's creation related to Himself and to itself?  On the side of God's infinity there is a break between God and the whole of His creation.  I am as separated from God in the area of His being the Creator and infinite and I being the creature and finite, as is the atom or energy particle.  I am no closer to God on this side than the machine.

However on the side of God's personality, the break comes between man and the rest of creation.  In terms of modern thought this is a dynamic conception of which modern man and modern theology know nothing.  So Schweitzer identified himself with the hippopotamus, for he did not understand that man's relationship is upward; and therefore he looked downward to a creature which does many of the same things as himself.  But on the side of personality, if our relationship is upward, then everything concerning man's "mannishness" is in place.

 So what does this have to do with the question above?  What relevance does this have to do with the season of Advent, when we celebrate the coming of God in Jesus Christ?  It's relevant because Jesus came not as an impersonal force, not as a new faceless edict from a prophet...He came as a man.  Jesus came as a man who then built personal, deep relationships with other people.  He preached for certain, but reading the Bible we see that His biggest, most transformative work was done in the lives of the men and women He was closest to: He healed many, but His disciples He worked with beyond physical pains down to their hearts, loving them gently and leading them to become the men who would boldly proclaim His name to the world. 

God is infinite and His infinite nature is something that leads many to say things like "We can't really ever understand God" in the sense that trying is a fool's errand.  But no one has been asked to express the inexpressible: it is God's good purpose to give us Himself personally just as much as to awe us with His infinity.  "The heavens proclaim the glory of God," wrote the psalmist, and gazing into the sky and seeing the vastness of the universe, knowing as we do now how much more vast and great it is than they could have dreamed those thousands of years ago both in a macro and micro sense, we wonder exactly how much greater our God is if this universe is just a speck compared to His majesty.  But we are edified, and humbled, by the man Jesus Christ who came to Earth to live the life we can never live, die the death we deserve to die, and to look broken, rebellious sinners in the face and bring restoration, healing and love to them.  Praise God, those words came to me through His Word and His Spirit, and changed a heart once buried in sin.

And so this advent season, we look back to His first coming, and ahead, to His second.  May that day come soon, to give rest to the weary and to complete the work begun on the cross and at the grave.

The light of love and the one who least deserved it

I was listening to a streaming discussion about Calvinism, and commentary related to a tape being played of someone criticizing it by saying that they heard a lot of theological discussion and verses about the sovereignty of God, but they didn't hear a lot of talk about God's love. My wife was listening with me and she mentioned that she agreed with him to some extent: that she feels like a lot of theological talk comes apart from a discussion about God's love, and so people who are hurting and tired that come to this just have no interest in hearing it, and in fact it serves to place a heavier burden on them. And this placed a weight on my own heart. After all, I certainly have not felt like that about the teaching and preaching that has greatly impacted my own life. The words of men like Matt Chandler, John Piper and Charles Spurgeon have always come to me, not as an intellectual, dry talk about theological issues, but as hot, passionate love notes to a God that authored their very existences, who transformed them from people who were focused on themselves, their own comfort and desires, into men who were willing to sacrifice all that for the sake of giving glory to Jesus and pointing others to Him. And I realized that I needed to do a better job of being that same person, of not simply being a knower and explainer, but of being a lover and an example of how much Jesus has shown me His immense love for me.

My life before His life was poured out into me was one that had begun in church, but in which I feel like my ears were not open to hear. I know truth was spoken, and my parents especially sought to gently, lovingly bring us up in a Godly way and point us to Jesus. But even as I managed to conform my external life to a pattern of religion, to a way of talking and acting that seemed good and right, my unseen life was one full of addiction to selfishness. Self-righteousness ruled my life and thoughts, desires to pursue my own way and my own pleasures drove me; as I grew older I found a growing addiction to and desire for pornography that would not be satisfied. I was self-centered, and even moralistic statements I might have made were not because I understood the real significance of who God is and what it meant for His Son to have come to die for my sins, but because I believed deep down that the way to please God was to be able to hold on to an intellectual position. My eyes were closed to the reality that the life I lived, and the thoughts I allowed into my head, were a complete insult to the God I paid lip service to.

But God is rich in mercy, and it was His mercy that began to take away the things that I had used to tell myself that I was good enough on my own, in my own head. My success in school, in music, in life in general eroded, and I was left feeling frustrated and tired. I was getting along just enough, and I was sick of it but I knew no other way except to just continue as I had. Then one day almost exactly six years ago, God opened my ears, and I heard for the first real time the Gospel of Christ preached--not that I had not heard it before, but that it was in that moment that the Spirit spoke directly to me, in words of conviction, of love, of a desire to lead me into the true joy of really knowing Jesus.

And things happened in a series, quickly at first to let that first seed fall, and then afterwards slowly as the new life planted within me began to grow and flower. First, God gave me a mirror in the form of His Word: my ability to hang on to a belief that I did not really live out didn't make me commendable. It made me a functional atheist. It was really irrelevant what I thought about God, if my heart hated Him and wanted to pursue wickedness and selfishness. He showed me how I had acted in an evil manner in the way I acted in secret, and in the way I acted publically: not simply my porn addiction but the way I dealt with my friends, with strangers, with people online and in real life. No longer was I able to look at another and think "I am superior," because God broke that down: I was the chief of sinners, undeserving of anything except death.

But that was only the beginning, and the next part is why the preceding section is seen as mercy: He showed me how much He loved me. I was able to see the examples in the Word of mighty men and women of God...who really, weren't so mighty. They were broken people, just like me, who struggled with their sin and ached for a closer relationship with their God, who made mistakes and were reconciled. And God forgave, God loved, God transformed, not because they had done anything to make themselves better, but because it was His good pleasure to do exactly that. God's love extended so far that He sent His Son, who deserves nothing but ultimate praise and worship as the Creator and the Word of God, to become a man born to the lowliest station of life, to live the life I could never live and die the death I deserved to die, because He desired to adopt into His kingdom sons and daughters who knew that love and desired Him above all things.

And in having my eyes opened to that love...I broke. I wept openly and praised the Name of the Living God that He would ever make my life anything other than a display of His justice...instead, He made it a display of His mercy. He made it a moment to show His incredible forgiveness, His love and goodness in working out His desires to adopt and redeem me. Again, not because I had deserved it, not because I memorized enough verses, or knew the right things, or acted the right way. Certainly not because I could hold and defend an intellectual position, but because it was His pleasure and desire to glorify Himself by loving me more than I could ever deserve. And that is why I love God, it's why I love the doctrine of God's sovereignty and His rule over my life...because I do not deserve it, but He has worked it anyway. I pray for more and deeper roots, and I pray that I would be seen as a gentle, nail-pierced example of that love, to my wife most of all.

Utterly dependent

Fireworks still echo outside, both from the seemingly infinite city-sponsored shows surrounding my neighborhood and from the many people who have taken the liberty of shooting off their own.  It's fun, and certainly there are few other American freedoms that can be enjoyed more viscerally than blowing crap up.  The reason is certainly a good one as well: the establishing in words of the founding principles of this nation, principles worth fighting for to be sure.  God blessed this nation with founders who were able to take a collection of loosely affiliated states that had plenty of their own squabbles and problems with each other, and found a nation based upon those ideals.  Founded and further forged in the fire of war, God has done mighty works in this country for His glory. 

But this is not a "And it's all going downhill because of those dang liberals!" speech.  If you look a couple posts down, you'll see something much longer I've written on the same general subject, but I felt this deserved revisiting on this, the day we celebrate our independence from England: our nation is one established by God, for His purposes and glory, subject to His will, and nothing will disrupt that.  Last night I flipped on the radio and heard a host earnestly addressing his audience that it is utterly imperative that we defeat Barack Obama in the general election--and in general, I agree that I would prefer this outcome.  I think his policies are bad and that they've had a measurably destructive effect on the country, economically and otherwise. 

But he insisted that Obama will "destroy this country" if he's reelected, that there is little to no chance of recovery if he does.  Is he right?  Maybe, in the sense that this country may tend towards socialist ideals and a notion that one may as well just accept the handout, rather than fight the growing machine.  But this country's destiny is in the hands of God.  It his the common grace of law and order that He has extended us that has maintained it, and God willing continue us into the future.  He has appointed our leaders for His purposes and it is his nation to give and take away.  I will vote, I will discuss and debate, but my desire for those opportunities, and especially for the words I speak is that they point to Jesus as the real hope of the world.  There is no ultimate political solution, no government that will perfectly rule, no politician or despot or king that will organize a society into perfection except for the King of Kings. 

I do pray for God's mercy on this nation, but that mercy may look like difficulty and struggle as God goes after hearts and removes comforts from our lives so that we cannot shut Him out.  Friends of mine who have been working on mission in nations that actively persecute Christians report that believers there will sometimes pray that we here will undergo more persecution ourselves, that we might become more active and less complacent about our walks.  I don't know if I'd care to ask for that myself, though I do ask that God would begin to transform many hearts across this land and historically, that has not happened during times of great wealth and comfort. 

My hope is in no elected or unelected man.  It is in Jesus, and in God's grand design to transform men's hearts from rebellious and sinful into obedient and loving, to break the bonds of sin for all of us by showing us the cross of Christ and letting us know the immense price paid for our salvation.  I pray that I would love the Lord more and that I would shed sins that hold me back from displaying that love, things like selfishness and greed, and a lust for earthly things.  We are a free land, but we are utterly dependent on a God that loves us and calls us to live as adopted and redeemed children, heirs of the greatest treasure in the universe.

Life's worth knowing Him

"O LORD, make me know my end
and what is the measure of my days;
let me know how fleeting I am!
Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths,
and my lifetime is as nothing before you.
Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath!
Selah

Surely a man goes about as a shadow!
Surely for nothing they are in turmoil;
man heaps up wealth and does not know who will gather!
--Psalm 39:4-6

Someone in the crowd said to him, "Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me." But he said to him, "Man, who made me a judge or arbitrator over you?" And he said to them, "Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." And he told them a parable, saying, "The land of a rich man produced plentifully, and he thought to himself, 'What shall I do, for I have nowhere to store my crops?' And he said, 'I will do this: I will tear down my barns and build larger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I will say to my soul, Soul, you have ample goods laid up for many years; relax, eat, drink, be merry.' But God said to him, 'Fool! This night your soul is required of you, and the things you have prepared, whose will they be?' So is the one who lays up treasure for himself and is not rich toward God."--Luke 12:13-21

Why wait til you're old to live like you're retired?--billboard I saw while driving

These weeks have been fruitful with word from God through His Spirit, His Word and His people. The call is to reject the American call to pursue wealth, comfort, security, and to run after Christ with all speed. I don't know what that looks like in full at this moment; I feel like I'm standing on the precipice of important things and all I can do is wait for the sun to come up and show me a glimpse of what I'm about to leap into. So at the moment, what that looks like is going to work, loving the people around me and praying for them, prayerfully seeking opportunities to witness to them and taking life day by day like I do.

What I pray for is that God would loosen my hands around my earthly desires, the things that drive me to fear--because in those fears lie idols. Fear of losing financial security, fear of losing the ability to control and pursue what I want, of not being able to provide for myself or whatever family lies in my future. Those are fears that demonstrate where I don't trust God and I pray day after day that God will set my heart free from them.

"But God, being rich in mercy," has been gracious enough to teach me these things immersed deep in His love and through the words of grace with which he authored salvation for me and all who follow His call. I can't do enough to please God. I can't dig myself out, make myself better, clean myself up, prepare my own way--it is done, it is finished, in Christ and that burden is off my shoulders for now and all eternity. Knowing that makes me desire all the more to obey Him and to love Him above all things. Not that I'm there, but that God has shown Himself faithful to lead in love to make me what He intends for me to be.

And so when I drove past that billboard, the incredible wrong-headed, broken point of view seen there just struck me. The whole point of life, at least life in America, is...to get to maximum comfort and a life of ease as fast as possible? To flee any attachment or responsibility beyond pleasing ourselves?

What a phenomenal waste.

But even being able to recognize that is only possible through God's grace and His work in me; there was a time I would have gladly embraced such a thing, the classic American ideal of working to get as much as you can until you can bail out and live free and comfortably.

So what's my point? My point is the gospel. God saved me through the blood of Christ, filled me with His Spirit and has intended me for work to glorify Him, because there is no greater task one can have before them. I have no clue what that looks like tomorrow, but I know God will show me and I pray for a spirit obedient to run after it. His beauty is great beyond measure and yet I have to go to war against foolishness and sin in me that distracts me, blinds me to that and makes me want to cling to earthly things that do not save even in their moment, let alone ultimately.

Knowing Jesus, walking with Him and being able to know that He's made a path to where He intends for me to go for my good and His glory is the most freeing thing I've ever known in life. I'm free to take a risk, free to speak life to a loved one, free to give when I'm called and receive when I need. That certainly does not free me from pain, nor does it let me walk through life unhindered by the cold realities of this world--on the contrary, that's another mistake that points to my idolatry of comfort, trying to use Jesus as a painkiller when what He does is give pain meaning. Pain refines, it reminds, it restores. Joy in Christ is cold water in the desert, I walk knowing I'm going somewhere--the only place one could ever want to go. I'm going home.

I pray for you, friends. Not because I'm superior--I am right there with Paul calling myself chief of sinners. I pray for you because there is life here at the foot of the cross, there's real life and meaning beyond anything you can hope to find in work or family or religion or any of the billion other ways humans pour their lives away. I want you to know this joy, to walk in it and come to know Him.

Hard work

There is so much that has been resting on my heart lately, it is difficult to describe it all or to believe that I will be able to walk away from this post feeling that it is truly a complete testimony of where I am in this moment. Rather, I believe a picture of the current state of things and the scripture that is pushing me forward will have to suffice. I have been struggling lately, not simply with sin and its inherent temptation but with the picture of God in the Word versus what my heart wants to believe. Knowing, as the Spirit has been gracious to teach me, that my salvation rests on Christ's sacrifice alone, that leaves the issue of conquering the sin in my life.

In reading John Piper's writing on this struggle, I am able to put things in a greater perspective; nothing is harder for me than to look at the weight of my sin on its own, the things that tempt me and pull me away from God, and to remember the truth in the light of that. It's a huge struggle for me and I am engaged in labor against it. But even in that, the difficulty is in remembering that I labor because I am cleansed of sin, not in order that I might be cleansed. Christ is all, in all, and in His sacrifice I am clean, not in anything I have ever done. And, so I work.

I appeal to you, brothers, by our Lord Jesus Christ and by the love of the Spirit, to strive together with me in your prayers to God on my behalf, that I may be delivered from the unbelievers in Judea, and that my service for Jerusalem may be acceptable to the saints, so that by God’s will I may come to you with joy and be refreshed in your company.--Romans 15:30-32

Epaphras, who is one of you, a servant of Christ Jesus, greets you, always struggling on your behalf in his prayers, that you may stand mature and fully assured in all the will of God.--Colossians 4:12

These passages are not directly related to what is on my heart, but they contain interesting language. Other translations of "strive" and "struggling" render that word as "labor," and I had memorized the verse from Colossians years ago as "laboring in prayer." I have realized that one of my biggest idols is comfort: I want to be able to go through my life happy, unperturbed, able to get the most out of my day and then to go home, relax and close out things without so much as a stumble or a concern. But such a day lacks one important thing: it lacks worship of the Almighty Creator God of the universe who made me in His image, for His purposes and glory, the very thing I was created to do as a part of my inward being. God did not make humans to lead comfortable, pleasant lives that end in death; He made us to live rich, fulfilling lives that are full of evidences of His grace and mercy, and often that takes forms of our struggles through difficulty and pain.

And so, I labor in prayer, now as much as I can. I used to pray that things would get better, that I would be able to get out from underneath this problem, and into that solution, but those prayers were fruitless and, as I dug deeper into the Word, not what was going to help me in understanding God or growing more deeply in Him. I'm a cancer patient going to the doctor asking for painkillers when he's offering life-giving (but painful) treatment. This is His loving discipline, His gentle working of my soul to transform me from selfish, idolatrous, wicked and angry, into a loving servant of God and of the people around me. The writer of Hebrews says it in chapter 12:

In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

"My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives." It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?--Hebrews 12:4-7

And Paul says it in 1 Corinthians:

But when we are judged by the Lord, we are disciplined so that we may not be condemned along with the world.--1 Corinthians 11:32

God is tying it in with His earlier lesson of discipline versus wrath, and using this to continue to teach me about Himself, that I may love Him more. Perhaps the biggest, most joy-producing realization of my labor in prayer today is that God is absolutely answering my prayers, and He is doing so in such a way that I am not heavy-burdened with guilt but rather lifted up out of sin and despair into His joy. He has done it through guided reading of the Bible, through the words of the men around me, and through circumstances in my life; and even now, through my prayer and writing these very words.

Friends, I know there are some of you that know me and don't know Christ. If you're someone that's close to me and reading this, and this is just not making sense to you, please, feel free to ask me about this. I am ready and desiring to, as Peter says in his first letter, "make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in [me]." I write this blog as a record of where I've been and where I'm going, and I pray that if you're someone like this, that you'll read it and consider the words I've written here. This isn't some kind of moralistic message, nor is it an empty promise of happiness. This is God, moving and speaking into my life, giving me a joy rooted in Himself that can never be shaken by earthly troubles nor be reproved by man or spirit. I am working, I am pressing in and working to see the Father, because this is the only work that is truly fruitful, and everything else I do in my career and family and the rest of my life is for the purpose of pointing to that.

A prayer from World Mandate

Lord, You are mighty, righteous, holy, and over all things. But just as much You are loving, merciful, and full of grace. Our sins are black upon this world, and all creation is aching and groaning under the weight of sinful rebellion. Your wrath on us, Father, is just and deserved, upon a world that embraces condemnation in its dark works rather than embrace the light. But Lord, I pray that You will shower mercy and grace on us; I pray that You will move mightily in this world to destroy sin's stronghold in the hearts of man and break our hearts for You, that the world may come to worship You. I know that much is yet to come before all things are renewed, but I pray that You would grant those of us You have rescued boldness to speak of Your love and power to touch hearts through our words and deeds. I pray to live in that perfect love which casts out fear, and that in You I and the men and women You have put around me would find healing, wholeness, and true life far beyond what this world could ever hope to offer. In the name of the Son, in the power of the Spirit, amen.

Idolatry vs. life: to die is gain

Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.--Philippians 1:18b-23

And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul? For what can a man give in return for his soul? For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of him will the Son of Man also be ashamed when he comes in the glory of his Father with the holy angels."--Mark 8:34-38

Today is a huge day of worship in the United States. Together we raise our hands and voices in joy at the celebration of victory and curse defeat just as readily. I speak, of course, about the big game, the battle that was waged a scant fifty miles from where I sit now.

I don't want this to come across as some kind of anti-football or anti-sports line. I watched the game like everyone else, in the company of friends as is the general way of things. But it is interesting to me to see how people react to things and how visceral and, perhaps, unwise people can be in their reactions and words, myself included. I didn't really have a dog in this hunt and in general I've never been terribly sports-oriented, but I always enjoy watching games with others just for the fact that frankly, this is the sort of thing we're wired for: coming together in celebration of something big and grand, bigger than ourselves. And yet so many put their worship into things that, while big, are ultimately unfulfilling because they were never intended to fulfill, only to point to something bigger.

The glory we see in the Superbowl points to God's glory, just as when we gaze into the vastness of an ocean, the size of a great mountain--or, when we contemplate the microscopic world beyond normal human sight that perpetuates our lives in ways only recently knowable. It is rather silly that we worship football or performers or anything else earthly, yet it is a natural outgrowth of what we were designed to do, twisted by sin towards something never designed to receive it. But when we are saved, when Jesus opens our eyes and our hearts to Himself, that worship suddenly terminates on Someone who sustains and does not disappoint. Coming home I felt...unsatisfied, and I knew why: I had expected fulfillment of something, on any level, and there was none to be found no matter the result.

After coming home from watching the game, I ran across this article about an Afghan man who is facing the death penalty for converting to Christianity. He lost one of his legs in a close encounter with a landmine and spends his days now helping others who have had similar experiences adjust and learn to live with their new disability. Christianity is being oppressed even as American forces still fight in the country against the Taliban, and he has been forced to ask a question so many American Christians never have to ask themselves: do you value your life more than you value Jesus?

Of course, we do face that in small ways all the time, but it's easy to live in America without facing up to the Big Question at the same level that people throughout history, beginning with the apostles and those who followed them, have had to face it. Said Musa's answer to the question has been a resounding echo of Philippians 1:21--"For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain." My own prayer is a heart that can be as bold and strong in that same answer. Yet at the same time, I know it isn't my strength on which such an answer lies, except in that God provides such strength at the exact time it's needed. So I pray, and I hope, and I long for the day when hoping is replaced with knowing. In the meantime, I look to the apostles for an example and I pray that God strengthens Said Musa in this time of trial.

I do not want to lose my worship in idols and foolish things that are gone as quickly as they arrive. I want to worship Jesus as my Lord and Savior and be unshackled from all the things that distract me.

Enduring versus living

There was a time, not so long ago, where Twitter was something I was only vaguely acquainted with; it struck me as another one of those things which had managed to overwhelm the lives of people in a trivial way and I wanted little to do with it, he said as he checked Facebook for the thousandth time that day. But over time I ended up on there, and God has used it as a blessing on my life as I have been able to follow some of the greatest thinkers and preachers in Christendom today, as well as witness in my own, 140-characters-or-less way to friends and followers I've gathered. I on occasion have encountered those who disagree or oppose, but so much the better as it's provided opportunities for me to refine my own thinking--or, in the case of many whose own attitudes result in an inability to break the 140 character mark of critical thought, knowing when to pick my battles, although I don't always do so well at that.

Twitter has served as encouragement in times of pain and difficulty, which lately it's been for me. It's been a struggle to do life on a day by day basis when my general mode is to think in the long-term, and confronted with things like bills that I don't know how I'll pay, career questions I don't have the answer to--in short, the sort of things everyone has to deal with in life--I want to dig into either fear and anxiety or simply shut my eyes and hope it all goes away. Both are equally destructive choices, as one leads me to a dead stop in life and makes me useless as a person and as one who seeks God's plan for his life's ministry, while the other makes me useless because I become dishonest with the men I do life with, and I end up being another Christian who does the act, puts on the good face and goes to church and homegroup so he can mouth all the right platitudes before he goes home to a house that's on fire.

So it was encouraging for me to see a tweet from my friend and brother Clint Crawford of a Desiring God blog post from John Piper, whose philosophy and theology inspired this blog's name. He wasn't dealing with the same problems I am, but in his post I recognize the pain and the struggle against the unseen yet ever-present opponents of joy, despair and anger. To me it has been a battle 1) to come to know God as He is rather than as I would have Him be, 2) understand what it means to live a life in Christ when so much of my being that way is dependent on His mercy, and 3) what it really means to have joy in that. God has been so gracious in putting me around people who not only speak and teach well on this, but live it themselves, and I continue to pray that He will grant me the ability to live so well.

My own sins and temptations still loom large and through them both despair and anger grab hold of me--despair that I would ever be free of the lusts and brokenness that blacken my soul and distract my mind, anger at my lack of self-control. Thanks be to God for His immense grace, love and mercy, and I pray every day for more of all of it as well as a humble spirit that I might never be cavalier about my salvation. I thank God for Paul, who struggled with his thorn in his flesh and who accepted in joy Christ's answer to prayer, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Only in incredible arrogance was I able to live as though I controlled my own life, and it made the forgiveness and peace God showered on me in the moment He showed me His true self all the more sweet--no anger, no punishment, just Him, and in coming to know God I was able to worship "in Spirit and truth." But it's so easy to forget and it's so easy to go back into a "I have to control this" mode. God forgive me for those times.

There are times still now where I wish I could bail out on life. Struggle, toil and work for pain and little else in return appeals little, and the enemy blinds and smothers with life's difficulties. But the joy of growing, one day at a time, into knowing God and walking with Him, being filled with the Spirit, strengthens me as I dig into the Word and as I seek solace and reflection with other men who struggle alongside me. Christ paid my bill already, covered my sin, and in the joy of freedom I walk forward, one step at a time. I pray each day for the next one, that I would be able to reflect God's love all the more, though He knows how often I fail. Thankfully, He's also there to pick me up again. He has transformed my life from enduring pain until the next brief instance of joy, into true life in His Son.

The humanist looks at the biblical promises of life in Christ and sees nonsense. "We're already alive, and it's a known fact that Christians die just like non-Christians. Where is this 'real life' supposed to be?" And truly enough, for even Jesus died--but He also rose again, and into the fullness of life as God intended it to be, not in a weak body that gets tired or sick or hungry but into real eternity. I don't pretend to understand the fullest implications of that, but I do know that every day I know a bit more, and that one day I shall know it fully. I pray that today will be a day that new people have their eyes opened to the truth that is Christ, to the reality of His life that extends beyond what culture has appropriated and into real, lasting life.

2010 prayers and thoughts

Father, I'm tired...please let me rest in You.
Father, I'm weak...please let me be strong in You.
Father, I'm a sinner...please make me holy in You.
Father, I'm alone...please let me be with You.
Father, I'm hungry...please let me eat at Your table.
Father, I'm thirsty...please let me drink the water of life.
Father, I'm falling...please don't let me fall away.
Father, I don't deserve anything...but Your goodness shines so brightly I can desire nothing else.

I am such a broken and sinful man, yet You have proven to me that Your love is greater than anything, and Your forgiveness surpasses the strength of all sin. Father, I beg you for the strength and the will to live as a man who is free from that. On my own I can do nothing, with You there is nothing in Your will I cannot achieve.

Help me to remember than when sin looks so good.