Useful God

This weighed heavily on me this morning driving in, and requires a big chunk of Scripture for context, so here goes:

After this Jesus went away to the other side of the Sea of Galilee, which is the Sea of Tiberias. And a large crowd was following him, because they saw the signs that he was doing on the sick. Jesus went up on the mountain, and there he sat down with his disciples. Now the Passover, the feast of the Jews, was at hand. Lifting up his eyes, then, and seeing that a large crowd was coming toward him, Jesus said to Philip, "Where are we to buy bread, so that these people may eat?" He said this to test him, for he himself knew what he would do. Philip answered him, "Two hundred denarii would not buy enough bread for each of them to get a little." One of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, said to him, "There is a boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish, but what are they for so many?" Jesus said, "Have the people sit down." Now there was much grass in the place. So the men sat down, about five thousand in number. Jesus then took the loaves, and when he had given thanks, he distributed them to those who were seated. So also the fish, as much as they wanted. And when they had eaten their fill, he told his disciples, "Gather up the leftover fragments, that nothing may be lost." So they gathered them up and filled twelve baskets with fragments from the five barley loaves left by those who had eaten. When the people saw the sign that he had done, they said, "This is indeed the Prophet who is to come into the world!"

Perceiving then that they were about to come and take him by force to make him king, Jesus withdrew again to the mountain by himself.

[...] On the next day the crowd that remained on the other side of the sea saw that there had been only one boat there, and that Jesus had not entered the boat with his disciples, but that his disciples had gone away alone. Other boats from Tiberias came near the place where they had eaten the bread after the Lord had given thanks. So when the crowd saw that Jesus was not there, nor his disciples, they themselves got into the boats and went to Capernaum, seeking Jesus.

When they found him on the other side of the sea, they said to him, "Rabbi, when did you come here?" Jesus answered them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, you are seeking me, not because you saw signs, but because you ate your fill of the loaves. Do not labor for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you. For on him God the Father has set his seal." Then they said to him, "What must we do, to be doing the works of God?" Jesus answered them, "This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent." So they said to him, "Then what sign do you do, that we may see and believe you? What work do you perform? Our fathers ate the manna in the wilderness; as it is written, 'He gave them bread from heaven to eat.'" Jesus then said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, it was not Moses who gave you the bread from heaven, but my Father gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." They said to him, "Sir, give us this bread always."

Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst. But I said to you that you have seen me and yet do not believe. All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out. For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me, that I should lose nothing of all that he has given me, but raise it up on the last day. For this is the will of my Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day."

So the Jews grumbled about him, because he said, "I am the bread that came down from heaven." They said, "Is not this Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? How does he now say, 'I have come down from heaven'?" Jesus answered them, "Do not grumble among yourselves. No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him. And I will raise him up on the last day. It is written in the Prophets, 'And they will all be taught by God.' Everyone who has heard and learned from the Father comes to me— not that anyone has seen the Father except he who is from God; he has seen the Father. Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes has eternal life. I am the bread of life. Your fathers ate the manna in the wilderness, and they died. This is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh."

The Jews then disputed among themselves, saying, "How can this man give us his flesh to eat?" So Jesus said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not like the bread the fathers ate and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever." Jesus said these things in the synagogue, as he taught at Capernaum.--John 6:1-15, 22-59

No matter the century, the circumstances or the technology, one of the biggest struggles over our view of Christ is that we are limited to this earthly scope, and for so many it becomes a question of what Jesus is providing for us. Last night I was thinking back over my testimony and this has been a huge part of what held me down for a long time. Unsurprising, of course, as comfort is a huge idol for me (and most Americans). I had to stop and think, where have and where do I look to Christ for what He will give me, rather than for Himself?

This passage displays one of the big points where people split away from Christianity into a place where they turn it into some kind of religion--if I do this, and think thus and so, then Jesus will be happy with me and I'll get to have x. But Jesus isn't after people performing a few cursory acts of goodness to curry favor. He's after the whole heart, after a true relationship. The Jews here had seen Jesus do amazing things, and as at other points in the gospels they were ready to declare Him their king, under the belief of their day that the Messiah was to come in order to throw off the shackles of Roman oppression and restore Israel to its position of prominence that it had held for a period of about twenty minutes under Solomon, before their own idolatry and rebellion resulted in a split kingdom and then, decades of slavery in a foreign land under the Babylonians. Now, it seemed, the predicted prophet, king and savior was here--now they can have what they desire!

But that's not what God was trying to effect all throughout the Old Testament and it wasn't what Christ came to establish in the New. Jesus didn't come to fulfill earthly, temporal desires, but rather to transform them into eternal ones, to point them towards what they were really after.

I struggle with the same thing, and have throughout my life. I viewed Jesus as a lot of different things before the Gospel really fell in me: as the provider of what I needed (true enough, but what I need isn't always what I understand it to be), as the one who would come to set things right (also true enough, but for a long time I viewed it through a moralistic/political lens that let me set myself up in self-righteousness), and as the one whom I could stand next to as I pointed to others and said "See? I told you so!"

Many times we set other things, good things like having enough money or being healthy or having a family and make that thing ultimate, and then we look to Jesus as the one who gives us those things. The thing is...He does give those things. But He gives us what He does that we might see Him in them, be pointed to Christ and through it all be sanctified.

Here's the big thing that I see in this: either we are in the process of being conformed to the image of Christ by the grace of God, where our hearts are transformed over time as God refines us through the circumstances of life, hewing the rough edges, burning out the impurities...or, we're in the process of becoming more and more opposed to God, each life circumstance pushing us farther away until finally the day of judgment comes and there is no reconciliation possible anymore, because you are so far off. Our hearts are in so much danger and yet we subject them to so much that distracts and destroys joy in God, and we look to God, to Jesus, as what will get us what we want. That manifests in some ways that are more extreme than others--for example, the guy who sees Jesus as the way to a nice car and a big house--but here, the Jews see Jesus not as their savior from sin but as their savior from hunger and oppression.

And we struggle with that. Hunger is bad, right? Oppression is evil. Why wouldn't we look to God for freedom from those things? Because the end goal is not to be full of bread. It's not to be free from current government tyranny. The end goal is to know God, to love Him and be with Him; to be full of the Bread of Life, to be free from the tyranny of sin. If God fulfills my desires, grants me freedom from earthly oppression and lack, but doesn't give me Himself, lets me grow deeper into opposition even if I acknowledge in some begrudging way that He gave me these things, how on Earth is that good or loving? He's damned me and rightfully so, for I worshipped His gifts and not Him. And no matter the culture, or the time, or the circumstances, this is what we struggle with as humans--loving God, versus loving what He has made.

Lately I have been struggling with the desire for a wife. That sounds like a strange thing to pair with the word "struggle," but I do it because I recognize two important things: 1) I have let that desire drive how I worship, and 2) I have let that desire push me into sinful areas, such as lust and manipulation of others. A desire for something good, for a wife to love and serve and lead humbly in the way that Christ loved the church, is perverted so easily into a lust for comfort, self-fulfillment in something other than God and a desire to be served, by the enemy. I have to confess that continually, make war against it and offer my own weakness up to God, because whatever it is He gives me in the course of my life, I want the ultimate thing, the one thing greater than anything else I experience, to be Him. And so I pray, and walk, and trust that He knows better than I ever could each day so long as He gives me the grace to have such a realization.

Father, I thank you for letting me hear such truth in Your Word, through the gifts you've given men like those that teach in my and other churches and write great and sweeping books that point to You. I pray that I will be able to point to you as well in so enthusiastic and holy a way, not to glorify myself because to that end lies death, but to glorify You and love You more. The weight of your glory presses me and in such pressure and weight is a joy and freedom as I have never known. I thank You for it, and desire more, desiring You above all things. All this I pray in the name of Your Son..Amen.

The Wise Horticulturist

"Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit."--John 15:2

Jesus frequently compares people, Jews and Gentiles alike, to plants--trees and branches, vines, wheat and chaff. This is a picture that is very much in line with the Biblical view of man and his salvation (and thus, opposed to the way all other religions and even a lot of evangelicals and others who have attached Jesus' name to their beliefs view salvation): we are grown by God, we are chosen, made into what He wills and for His greater pleasure. I've been reading through John after a brief series of events involving a conversation with a couple Jehovah's Witnesses and this verse in particular stuck out to me for a myriad of reasons. All of Scripture is like a diamond that reveals different things when viewed at different angles, so I just want to take a moment and look at the facets here.

Firstly: who are the branches? We are, and God the Father is the one who is maintaining us--but Jesus, God the Son, is the vine from which we are growing, as the preceding verse says. This is remarkable to me because it reminds me that God did not throw me out here alone and without support, but rather He is both the One who planted me here and the One in whom I am growing and deriving strength from. He has placed me into the perfect spot and God both watches over me and nourishes me. Yet that by itself is insufficient for a look at this verse because it makes it seem like God made me for my own sake, which is certainly not true in light of the first part of verse two: the branches that don't bear fruit, He removes.

This is pretty harsh to us in modern evangelical America. God removes us? And as verse 6 says, those branches are burned? Isn't it God's fault that those branches didn't bear fruit?

But in examining the Word we see that there is a much deeper element to what God is doing in the whole world. He isn't just looking at humanity and saying "you were good, you go to heaven; you were bad, you go to hell." He's creating something that reveals our intense need for Him; branches that wither were not deprived by God of nutrition except in that He gave them over to their heart's desires. And even that is not done except in hope of reconciliation.

The second half of the verse gives me a lot of pause, because lately I've had a lot pressing on me while I've been going through the recovery/step studies process at my church. Not bad things, but just stuff working me and pushing on me serving to crush pride; my endurance through it has been by God's grace in providing strength and a community of Godly men around me. Branches that produce fruit--people that display Christ through the way they live their lives and fight against their sin--are pruned. Pain is a difficult thing but its presence is not an indication of God's punishment, but rather that God is cutting out the parts of us that inhibit growth into the fullness of life in Him. It's joy and it's hope even for those who are suffering and struggling.

I'm very thankful that it's not my will that saves me, but God's grace and the faith He imparted to me as a gift I don't deserve. What I pray is that more and more, I would display the fruit of the Spirit in my life, in my words and way of being. I pray to walk in that and to be refined into a man who fights the enemy at every turn by the way that I am. I want to be a Christian hedonist.

Berthing on the Dawn Treader

My roommate and I ended what has been a joyous Christmas day with a trip over to the theater. Seeing movies on holidays is a bit of a tradition in both our families, especially later in the day after the excitement of presents and dinner has worn off and left people bored and ready for distraction. Last year my siblings and I headed out to see Sherlock Holmes, a great movie that we enjoyed quite a bit. With me being in Texas far from my family and Aaron's day of family stuff done, we decided to go out and see the new Chronicles of Narnia movie, Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

When I was young, before I could even read, my parents would read from these books to me and introduced me to the incredible world that C.S. Lewis had created. When I learned to read it was not long before I was attempting to tackle these, and I read through them countless times as a child. It is no small surprise, then, that as I dig through theology books and pursue Christ by renewing my mind through the minds of others, that Lewis' works are such an inspiration to me. This book was always my favorite of the Narnia series--a grand adventure, exploring the unknown, and such joy in finding Aslan's paw moving in the lives of those aboard.

This movie was a joy on so many levels. On a purely earthly level, it is beautiful; in 3D or not, one feels immersed in the wide open expanse of the world of Narnia, the great ship plowing through the waters towards adventure and battle. But what fascinated me the most was that whether intended or not by the movie producers, Lewis' picture of Christ, His sacrifice and our salvation will not be denied. There was such a heavy, palpable truth cutting through the movie that I was overwhelmed with the joy in just that tiny, insufficient picture of God's great plan in motion. The eyes of the heart were opened and there was beauty that I long to see, joy I crave to live in, a fullness of life that lies beyond that just tore me up.

To enter Narnia, one must be a child. At a certain point you're just too old to pass back through into the Narnian world from the "real" one--but even in that plot device lies truth from the Word:

At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, "Who is the greatest in the
kingdom of heaven?" And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them
and said, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you
will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child
is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.--Matthew 18:1-3

It was the young Lucy's ability to believe in something besides what was right in front of her that led her into Narnia, and from that first trip a love for Aslan--a love for Christ--was planted in her that did not wither but grew stronger. This movie portrayed, in a moving and personal way, the manner in which sin consumes us and holds us back from living in the true freedom that Christ has called us to. My lusts of the flesh tempt me away, and like Lucy I have dark desires that lead me to wicked thoughts and acts that I try to hide in secret. But Christ has done so much to renew me, to call me back to him in such a deep and irresistable love that I cannot say no. Even as I sit in a moment of failure He urges me on, calls me to Himself, reminds me that it is not I that rend the scales of wickedness from my body to become what I truly am in Him, but that it is His work that frees, that heals.

But even in that these children are called to be warriors--they fight the enemy head on and there is no mercy from that enemy, that would destroy them all were it allowed. They must face their own weaknesses; Lucy desires to be adored by men as her sister is, while Edmund is haunted by his past betrayals. I saw so much of my own struggles in both of them and I found so much joy in seeing their own victories.

One of the most impressive moments of truth came when they reached the island that was their final destination, where Aslan's table resided--the table that he was killed upon by the White Witch in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Lords from Narnia are at the table, asleep, not to be awakened until Aslan sets things to rights. And that table, that instrument of death that had been used to hold Narnia in captivity for an age, was now the place of feasting for those called to life in him. It was a reminder that God will renew all things in this world, and that through Christ's sacrifice we find true life and joy.

O Lord, grant that I would battle as bravely against the enemy when his temptations to lust after earthly things comes. Grant that I would have the faith and innocence of a child and the ferocity of a warrior in seeking after you all my days on this Earth. And grant me, Father, that I would be brave enough to tell of my joy to those around me; this word must be spread, His joy must go forth!

God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the
mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and
foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.
Selah

There
is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of
the Most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
God
will help her when morning dawns.
The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
he utters his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

Come, behold the works
of the LORD,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
He makes wars
cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
"Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!"
The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah--Psalm 46

Loving the good = hating the bad: the struggle in life

I have been deeply blessed by the last few months spent listening to John Piper's sermon series on the book of Romans. At 225 sermons over the span of 9 years, I can only imagine how daunting the task must have seemed when he began the series in 1998, but now with about 45 sermons left to listen to I approach each drive to work with a desire that God will open my heart to the truth he speaks, while also giving me discernment to separate Biblical truth from human opinion (a prayer I have no doubt Pastor John would concur with) as well as protecting me from laziness about reading my own Bible--no podcast will ever supplement the written Word in feeding oneself spiritually.

The entire book of Romans is so enormous that I expect blogging on it would take at least as long as his series did if not longer, even though I am not constrained by one post per week. (although given that I haven't posted in several months, one might disagree) But the subject of the last couple days' worth of podcasts deserves, I felt, special attention and prayerful discussion especially in light of today.

It's Columbus Day, probably one of the more controversial American holidays as the last couple decades has seen education about Columbus shift from his accomplishments of discovering the New World and opening up an entire new era of exploration, to condemning him as a racist, sexist, bigot, mass murderer, etc. But that's not the day I have in mind to discuss here. In more recent years, today has become "National Coming Out Day," a day to encourage those with homosexual desires to "come out of the closet" and to celebrate homosexuality as a lifestyle.

The Bible's stance on homosexuality is clear, yet not so one-dimensional as people think. Paul spells it out in Romans 1:

For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.

Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.

For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.

And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God’s decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.--Romans 1:18-32

In other words: homosexuality is the result of man staring at himself in the mirror and worshipping that image. He falls in love with himself, both in a symbolic and in a literal sense. It becomes idolatry of the self, and in our culture is reinforced with healthy doses of pride. Unfortunately a lot of evangelicals have responded to the rising number of people claiming homosexual tendencies by trying to whitewash it, as though they can make the world "family friendly" and not in a way that is loving to those who struggle. So here is the double-edged sword: the Bible condemns homosexuality as a consequence of sin and calls believers to be around sinners and love them deeply.

One of the amazing things about Paul's writings is the consistency of the patterns he sticks to. When he talks about marriage, he speaks to wives first, then husbands, for no husband can lead a wife who refuses to be lead (and this pattern is true throughout the Bible). And in the case of Romans 12, as in 1 Corinthians 12 and 13, Paul speaks first about spiritual giftings, then about the cruciality of love and what, exactly, is love:

For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.--Romans 12:3-21

There's a lot in there but I tried to highlight just a few of the spots that are crucial to my point today. So much of American evangelicalism has become a political movement associated with a moralistic, "Won't somebody please think of the children?!" way of living, where everything that vaguely sniffs of the world is attacked viciously in the name of Jesus. This is not how we're called to live as believers. But it seems like in this day and age of hypersensitivity and where everyone feels like the way to accomplish anything is to designate yourself part of a victimized group, Christians have taken what is supposed to be an internal struggle against their own sin, supported by the love and compassion of the believers around them, and transformed it into a Pharisaical war on sin in culture and society.

When the law is covered by God's mercy and displayed to the world in the form of Christ's sacrifice and resurrection, it becomes an open door to God's throne room, where sin is cleansed, healing happens and real relationships are founded on the rock of Christ. When the law becomes a means to force behavior by one's own will, it becomes death because that's a standard we can't live up to. We either lose all hope and eventually just assume an attitude of "whatever, no one can tell me what to do, it's all a waste" or we become self-righteously religious in an attempt to quell our constant knowledge that we can't live up to our own list of rules, let alone God's.

And so here we are, on a day that celebrates the former in opposition to the latter. Yet I am here to say that neither way is right, and both lead to death. The former because it is nothing more than overt sin combined with the murder of the human conscience, the latter because it is all law with no mercy and certainly no love.

So we're stuck here with something of a paradox: God hates sin and calls us to hate it as well, yet He also calls us to love all people, including--or maybe I should say especially--the people who hate us and hurt us. So that certainly doesn't leave room for any sort of self-righteousness or any attitude other than love and compassion towards others. But: is it loving to look at a man who's burning, and not tell him he's on fire just because he believes being on fire is the only possible state he can exist in, and is offended at any contrary suggestion?

There's no love in that, contrary to what culture says. Yet I do not wish to downplay the sort of struggle I am speaking of here, and I don't believe I do. While homosexuality is not something on my list of particular struggles, sexual sin certainly is, and its inevitability just as strong to a sinful heart. I know that will anger a lot of people, to hear my personal struggle with lust and pornography compared to what our culture has declared a legitimate lifestyle to be respected, but I simply make that comparison because the Bible does, and because many men I've encountered with that struggle face it in the same way I face mine. This is not a finger-wagging "You'd better believe!" line, but a humble, pleading call from a man who has found the one true home for humanity at the foot of the cross: "Come join me. There is joy here, real joy, and real freedom."

To my friends out there who struggle with this in shame: it's okay to not be okay. Christ offers wholeness and love, real forgiveness from your true Father. Not from me, not from any other human, but from your loving Creator God. To my friends who are "out" and refuse to feel shame, I pray that your hearts will be broken--not to punish you, but that they would be broken for Jesus and that you would be able to taste His amazing, and true, love. I pray that there would be truth in what I'm saying, and I pray that many new brothers and sisters would join with me.

How we got here; or, Why

This is a post I've been pondering for a long time, and referred to in passing a couple times: the idea of writing my testimony. I must admit it makes me a little nervous because in telling this story, I will be laying it all out there: the things I've struggled with, the way I've hurt people either purposefully or accidentally, my natural heart of selfishness and self-serving. I pray that this comes to point not to myself, but to God and to what He's done for me, because my story is only about Him. People who knew me in years past might take it as seriously as they can having known me before, I suppose, and all I can do is extend an apology to those I wronged and pray God grants them a spirit of forgiveness. So, let's get to it.

Unlike a lot of the people around me at the Village, I grew up in a Christian family. They weren't the legalistic, moralistic Flanders-ish people you might expect; my parents loved (well, love) Jesus and raised me to love Him as well, as best they could. They gave me my first few years of education in a Christian school to ground me in the Word alongside church and my parents' own efforts to teach me and show me God's love through their words and actions. Overall I would say that my parents set me up to succeed in every way possible--life was certainly not perfect, but looking back I certainly can't complain. I didn't walk around with some foreboding sense of guilt, but at the same time as a kid I don't think I fully understood the weight of the Gospel and what it meant to me.

I was a very bookish kid, spending as much time in the library as doing anything else during the summer and my times off from school. I'd read anything, and very quickly. All of this served to build in me a natural curiosity and subsequent desire to satisfy that curiosity. So when the Internet appeared, it was natural to jump into exploring it with both feet, and eventually we had our own computer at home, where I could spend time reading just about anything--comics, newspaper columns, primitive blogs, free from the prying eyes of librarians and the restraint of class time.

I don't remember the first time I saw something pornographic online or what led me to it, but I remember my justification for exploring it further: "Well, I just want to know more about this." An easy one for me to make given my natural disposition. My mind was very much compartmentalized at this point; I was able to look at porn and justify the behaviors it led me to--lying, treating other people like dirt when they wouldn't leave me alone, let alone actually downloading it--and then go to church for youth group and services without realizing the huge disconnect I had created.

Before long I had developed a full-blown addiction to pornography. I got busted a couple times and my parents expressed their grief over it in as much love as two frustrated parents could muster. I tried to deal with it but ultimately all I did was find better ways of hiding it. I knew the computer better than anyone else in the house, and I was able to find ways to cover up what I was doing. My addiction followed me to college, where four years in a dorm with my own computer allowed me to sink even lower.

For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.

Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.--Romans 1:18-25

There was a secondary branch to my life that must also be told. As I said, I was a kid who was very much into reading, and knowing things. Likewise, I was brought up to love Christ and while my heart wandered, my head stayed with what I'd been taught--indeed, it was in my knowledge that I was able to hold on at all, and it was with this that God was gracious enough to keep me from jumping off into full-blown sinful hedonism (and not the kind meant in this blog's name). I had plenty of it, but God held back the full might of His righteous judgment on me and instead allowed me in just far enough to realize where I was when He would call me back. But, we're not there yet.

So: I knew a lot of stuff. I knew what the Bible said at least enough to understand its implications about behavior, I was a kid who would go into battle over things like creation, the state of man's heart (though not my own), the truth of the Bible as far as it can be proven in a historical sense, and so on. So here's a humanity equation for you: what do you get when you add Christian morality together with sinful desires and multiply that by pride and a Gospel that hasn't truly fallen into one's heart? You get a young man who is becoming the kind of "Christian" who would just as soon use the cross as a club as welcome unbelievers to worship. You get someone who's not growing in love for Christ. You get someone who, if life continues this direction, ends up standing with the goats when Matthew 25 is played out.

My pride grew as my success in life grew over time. My skill as a musician had grown since high school and my pride along with it; I was being recognized, and when I entered the drum corps world success followed me there. Drum and bugle corps was very formative to a growing "I can do it by my own strength" attitude, an attitude that only served to depress my ability to be sympathetic. I received my bachelor's in music from Wichita State and ended up coming to the University of North Texas to do grad degree work. It was at this point that God began the painful process of kicking away all the supports that kept me on the path I was on.

The first one to go was drum corps. I got involved with a corps in the area for a couple seasons, and also put time in teaching both my old corps and another junior corps, but my finances began to contract as my expenses increased and soon I couldn't justify spending all this time on an activity that at the very least asked for my time for free, if not insisting that I pay to play. School was next, and fell victim to the same problem in its own way--my personal debt had grown but I wasn't making enough to pay my bills and do life, so I took on a second job. That plus grad school began to wear on me, and my grades suffered. By 2007 I found myself academically suspended from school.

All that was left was my perceived future as a professional performer. My at least temporary removal from school dealt a blow to that, but as I was a part of a group I loved performing with and saw making it at least as a regular working musician, I was confident. But in a few months that was put in jeopardy too, as the same sort of stresses that hurt any other group began to work on us and by the end of the year we were in danger of dissolving. All of this together with my sense of "I can fix all this, I'm good and smart enough" was building me into a man that, continued on this path of desire for self, would become bitter and angry. I still held on to God in my mind, but I refused to submit my heart to Him the way I had as a young kid.

I do believe that I was saved when I was young, but God allowed me to drift away that He might call me further into Him. Not that He said "You go commit sins because I want you to," but that He let me live my life in a way that I thought was right because on the other side of that, hope in Him meant so much more. I'm still thinking and praying on that, but regardless I am here now and I know that God will reveal the deeper theological truths in due time, when they will bring the most glory to Him and do the most good in me.

Near the end of 2007, a guy who was playing in my band at the time invited me to go to church with him. The Village had just opened its Denton campus, and I was understandably skeptical. "A video campus? How does that work? Do they go into reruns in the summer?" But, I ended up going in November, and hearing this sermon. I don't recall now what it was about that particular sermon that hit me so hard, but at the time it was like Matt was speaking directly to me, to what I was going through. I felt called at levels I'd never experienced before to start going regularly, and over the next few months I began attending recovery and I joined a homegroup, becoming a member of the church. In all the years since I had been a kid immersed in a Christian home and church, since I'd drifted out of church in college but still clung to belief in my mind, I'd never felt my heart ministered to so clearly. I had known stuff about God, but the years had shown that knowing and being able to debate meant little or nothing. There was a brokenness in me that I'd been trying to fill up--with ambition, with sex, with music--and yet it remained.

Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.--C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

God used all of this to call to me gently, lovingly, and to heal me. At once, He took what I had in my head for all these years--all the books read, all the scripture memorized but never really sunk in--and simultaneously, He showed that it was inadequate while He also brought those things into fruition in their proper place. He showed that humility was something in which there was joy, but that humility meant service, which means work, and working for God meant that I had a loving, understanding Boss who would never give me menial tasks and was the Provider of everything I needed to do it, a Boss that grants me my position not based on my worthiness but because He loves me.

I'm still learning what that work is, and over the last few months He's opened new things to me. But the immense joy in my life has come as God has moved to set me free from my addiction to lust and pornography, and renewed my heart for my sisters through His Son. I am deeply ashamed of where I was, and there may be women reading this that are personally aware of exactly where. If that is the case, I humbly ask for forgiveness for looking at you not as a fellow human and someone to love, but as an object to use for my own wicked desires. But my conviction has brought freedom. I still struggle, every day, and every day I offer this up to God: Give me the strength to resist temptation, the heart to serve, and the grace to cover when I fall. God has been gracious in all things and my joy grows because I know there is not condemnation waiting for me, but final and eternal freedom from my sin.

What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice. Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.--Philippians 1:18-21

As I said, this is a post I've had on my mind for a very long time, and lately I've felt driven to finally write it and post it. The battle in my heart between my sinful, selfish desires and the new desire to love God and know Him rages on, but I'm learning not to despair. God's given me joy in Him, joy that can't be quenched by rough times in life and which only grows with each new day--not some "Slap a big phony smile on because you love Jesus!" joy, but something more real than anything I've known before. I hope that out of this writing comes joy for more, a spreading of the Gospel, renewed hearts, and forgiveness.

The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.--1 Timothy 1:15

Joy to be fighting

Today has been one of those days where I am so incredibly thankful for God's grace in not only saving me, but putting me around Godly men that encourage me with their examples. Tomorrow is a seminar being put on by the church as a lead-in to the upcoming men's Bible study; the seminar is being put on by Mitch Maher, a preacher out of Houston, and is called Clarifying the Bible. Maher shows how the whole Bible is linked together as one narrative, and I'm excited to go there and be a part of it, and to spend time serving at the same time. I recall days of my youth where the idea of getting up early to help with anything would have been met with annoyance and anger, but thankfully that man is dead, replaced by a spirit of willingness and love of service, one modeled by my own father.

I'm also incredibly thankful and prayerful for my pastor, Matt Chandler, who I've written about below. Matt is in the middle of the initial intense treatment for his cancer, and has a new update posted:



Matt and his family have been through so much, but at the same time it's amazing to see how God uses this time where he has been somewhat incapacitated from many of his normal activities to raise up other people in the church, and to demonstrate that this church is not a work of Matt's but one of God's.

Seeing all this gives me strength to fight my battles with my own sin, and lets me rejoice in the midst of painful times. Seeing the examples around me allows me to preach to my own downcast soul and call it out of self-pity and despair; it allows me to fight even when the enemy tries to convince me I'm not good enough to stand my ground. I thank God for days like today, where struggles are coupled with strength, and I'm so incredibly glad that He's always providing the strength to fight each day.

Off to war: fight because you've already won

These past few weeks, the very public turmoil caused by my pastor Matt Chandler's tumor discover, subsequent surgery and revelation of a malignant biopsy, has brought a lot of love and prayerfulness out of so many. As I wrote the other day, it's caused me to become, if not introspective, than it's made me spend a lot of time holding myself up against what Matt's going through. The question that rolled through my mind a lot was: if this was dropped on my lap today, would I be as strong as he's being?

But that was the wrong question. Firstly, it's not me--it's Matt. And was Matt strong enough? Well, no--if he was trying to do this on his own steam I doubt he would have made it this far, almost a solid month later, without cracking. It's been with the support of his family and the church, those both close to him and those who just hear him, that God has mustered strength for Matt. God was not surprised by this development, and while to many this may sound horrible, but it's true: God was not surprised because it was a part of His will for Matt's life, and He'll undoubtedly use it to work in so many others. As John Piper tweeted a couple days ago, "God never does only one thing. In everything he does he is doing thousands of things. Of these we know perhaps half a dozen."

But that question: it's not what I should be concerned with. God hasn't cast me adrift with no control. He's demonstrated to me over and over, in so many ways, from just the way things work out in a day to the way He delivered me to this place, to this job, to this church and to my group of men, that He is in control and working. Through the Word and through the Spirit, working in tandem to open my eyes to His hands at work, I know He's in control. And He won't throw something at me that He won't also provide the strength to endure. I have my own personal sufferings; the pain I've endured the past two months has been a trial, but it brought me to a place where I was more mindful of God on a daily basis. And in this time where the whole body of the church is facing the fear of loss, God brings a powerful reminder: we cannot lose when He's already won.

I'm not talking that "total victory" nonsense, nor am I going to turn this into another extended discussion on the prosperity gospel. But I will say that in the way I see Matt Chandler living today, I see the balance God has struck between the fact that He's already won every battle in Christ's death and resurrection, and the fact that each day we renew our battle with the spiritual enemy both internal and external. It's why Paul describes the life of a believer in 1 Corinthians 9:24 as a race, one we are to run in as though we want to win. I want to be a man who is as strong in my faith as Matt Chandler is, but even in that desire I have to recognize that coming to that point is something to be ordained by God. I look forward to that day, as I pray for renewed strength each day leading up to it, that I might fight my battles with His might and not my own.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.--Philippians 1:6

Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again.--Philippians 1:19-26

Victory is the end to war, and seems like a fitting way to end this little blog series. I'm sure I'll return to the idea again, but for now I'll set it to rest. The men around me who serve as my own band of brothers and I spent today praying for Matt and his family, and for our body; I pray that this leads me and all of us to renew our efforts to reach out to all around us in love, and that it sparks a revival in our community.

In closing, check out the new video from Matt.

Off to war: did I choose the right side?

That's a question I think crosses the mind of everyone who believes, especially since I am relatively young in my faith and inexperienced in dealing with that "dark night of the soul." God has done so many amazing things, but as the Bible demonstrates in the history of both the Jewish people and the early church, people pressed by the world are quick to become fearful, and forget the good things God has done for them already; I am no exception.

Every morning I spend some time with God, early on while it's still quiet and peaceful and my mind is fresh. Reading the Word, studying it, and meditating on what God has done for me in prayer, these are all key to setting me up for a day where I look to Him. It's hard, though, to know when and how to carry the banner of God forward in life. I live in the proverbial Bible belt, yet there are so many around me who have no regard for God. There's a part of me left over from older times that wants to retreat into the American evangelical style of Christianity where I snipe at everyone else's faults while setting myself up as a moral paragon, but two things stop me: the work God has done to pull me out of that mindset, and my own memory of what I have done and still am capable of. But how do I carry out in my daily life what is seen by all others as pure foolishness? I was even amused to look at a comment on a Driscoll video I was watching and see it proclaim "You Christians are all FOOLS! Yes, YOU, m#$^@f$@&%s!"

I am, and I am a fool joyfully so.

Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.--1 Corinthians 1:20-25

The only way I can carry that banner is to live as that fool. And the only way I can know what that means is to continue my meditations on God, seeking from Him the way that He's set down for me, the way to love Him and obey Him. Why do I do it? Because I was a kid and got told so in Sunday school? I've been on my own for years, it would have been a small matter to jettison such history, and I've seen such things many times over the years, people who came up through church who now are indistinguishable from the world. It's because God changed my heart, He made Himself unmistakeable to me, and He still does. Because of that, I will gladly embrace what is to the world foolishness, because I'd rather have God's foolishness than the wisdom of a world that's dying more every day.

Do I reject the world? No. Even God does not reject the world--He sent His Son because He loved the world. I pray that God would make me a man that loves my fellow man deeply, but I also know that such love is a byproduct of loving Him--and so, I seek God's continued transformation of my soul.

I have had a good last few months. In spite of a month of pain, in spite of an unknown future, God has proven that He is so much better than all that. When the world and my own sin set about to attack, to press on me and break me away from Him, I hold on that much more firmly. I dig in tight and reach for the Word. There is joy in Christ, true joy and hope, and if my faith enrages another to the point that they'll call me vile names, then my only prayer is that I might be there to witness the point that God changes that man's heart, should that be His will. I pray it is.

Off to war: the battle for my mind

Since returning from a trip out of town, I've been in a lot of pain. I am thankfully scheduled to see a doctor today, but for the last few weeks I have been limping around with a lot of pain in my left leg. Sitting relieves it some, but in other ways just shifts it. Pain can, as I've written before, be a motivator, but it can also be very distracting. Pain can make one turn inward in self-pity. Even sitting here writing this is something of a burden on me, as I'd much rather be doing something that involves less working my mind and more just absorbing entertainment to distract me.

A consequence has been that it's been difficult to sit down and study the Word lately. I end up turning to it trying to find comfort but studying it has gone out the window. In the end, I find myself struggling with maintaining a grip on even basic truths, because my mind is willful and doesn't want to focus on God. It's given the enemy openings to exploit my fears and doubts, to amplify my sin before my eyes and darken my sight of Christ and His sacrifice for me.

I've had quite enough. To hell with this pain. I am not going to let it get between me and God, and I am sure as hell not going to let it drag me into some pool of despair. I am going to dig in on Romans 12:2: "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." God is the one who is doing work in me, changing my heart. I am responsible for my mind, what it is fed with and where it's focused, and I am not letting it take the easy road to destruction.

Last week was the final week of the men's Bible study for this season, until it starts again in January. A speaker came to give his testimony, Dr. Willie Peterson, a man who has been a big influence in the life of my table leader. Listening to him brought two important lessons to me. Well, one was a reinforcement of a previous one from our last speaker: all the Godly men I've met always point outward, they are always quick to give credit for where they are to others, and it was no different with him. There was no self-aggrandizement, only "oh, this wasn't me, this guy and this guy, they're the ones who led me out of where I was and showed me the way." In the same way God has convicted me where my own pride has held me up, and I seek every day to give it up, to surrender it, and it helps when I find real joy in being around men who lead me to be this way.

The other lesson was a practical one: find someone in the Bible that you feel kinship with in some way, someone that's similar to you, and study their lives. Contrary to popular misconception, the Bible is not full of Ned Flanders types that do nothing but float around while God dumps wrath on the rest of the fools around him. Time and time again, God picks up unlikely people and sets them up high. It is His way. It's mentioned explicitly when Jesus speaks on the Beatitudes in Matthew 5: "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." That's absolute craziness to normal human thinking, but God shows His hand by working contrary to how we think things should work. The man I feel has the most in common with me is my biblical namesake, David. There are three reasons in particular: 1) He was a musician; 2) He was a leader; and 3) He struggled with lust. Granted, there's much more to him than this, but these are pretty big points in his story, and they're pretty big points in mine.

So, I'm pursuing the renewal of my mind by looking at his life as it's written about, from the beginning. I'll write about it some here, especially as I find parallels with my own walk. The biggest thing I notice about him right at the beginning, that I strive for: he has absolutely no fear of anything earthly, but knowing more about him, he has total fear of God. I am digging in here so that I may push forward with that as a goal.