A thesis restatement

The last month has been a lot of things--amazing, exhausting, fruitful--and I feel that the time is ripe to write again.  Before digging back into various issues of the day, I want to expound a bit on this blog, why it's here and why I named it thusly.

Anyone who knows me, knows that one of the biggest influences on my life as a believer has been John Piper, whose writings and sermons along with the community of believers God placed me in have been a big part of my process of being forged into a new man.  And when I decided to start a new blog, I knew that the term he had coined to describe this philosophy and theology of taking ultimate joy in God above and beyond everything else was going to be a major motivating factor.  For one thing, it described God's reordering of my priorities and transformation of my heart, and for another it was incredibly evocative of the sort of introduction to reformed theology I had experienced.  I do remember in past years vaguely hearing things about "Calvinists" and hearing negative things attributed to them ("They believe all babies that die go to hell!" is one thing that sticks out in my mind) but exactly what that was or what it meant, beyond some conception of issues with free will I didn't really grasp.

But reading and listening to Piper, and with my eyes being opened to the full wealth of what is in Scripture, I saw that there was truly a great deal of joy in monergism--in the fact that my salvation is by grace alone, through faith alone.  And the Lord has been faithful to build on that foundation of truth He laid down in me, as I came to understand the necessity of Scripture alone as the sole infallible rule of faith to a meaningful, consistent worldview; of Christ alone as ultimate in all things and as the source of all things; of the glory of God as the ultimate purpose for all things.  And as the concept of "Christian hedonism" became fleshed out for me, the fact that it is not simply "You have ultimate personal satisfaction in Christ," but that it is the coming together of the church and Christ, something far beyond personal happiness, that I have been called into.  God has used my marriage, more than anything else, as a tool to teach me that.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, sothat he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.--Ephesians 5:25-32

My marriage has been a profoundly transforming experience, and since my last post and events, struggles, and many, many talks later, I have been overjoyed to see even a glimpse of the evidences of God's mercies in my life, to save me, to transform me from who I was into who I will be, and it consistently destroys any desires on my part to self-aggrandize.  My time spent with my wife just being, or working, or reading the Bible and praying together, has grown in quality and in its continuing impact on our lives.  We still have so far to go, with so many experiences lying before us, but if God is willing I am hopeful for many years with my bride to see fruit borne in our lives and the lives of children to come.

Probably one of the most fulfilling things we have done together, as simple as it is, has been to simply spend time each night reading some of the Bible together.  We read through Ecclesiastes, and right now we're going through Luke.  It's been incredible to see how God has spoken to us through His Word, and it's been an opportunity for both of us to learn, to be transformed by God's work through it, and to pray together.  Our life in marriage has grown stronger proportionally with our time spent in the Word and in prayer.

And I have been filled with joy and longing as I've learned that being in Christ is not simply a matter of personal fulfillment, though certainly that is a part of it; one should find ultimate strength, of course, in drawing their life from the Author of all things.  But my fulfillment is not ultimate, and that is a lesson I desire to have sink into me and produce some real change.  As an American I've been brought up in an environment where everything is about me, where the message is "pursue the American dream, buy a house, get rich, have kids."  Now, I am looking forward to things like having a home and having kids, but whatever form that comes in, my desire is that it is deeply rooted in being obedient to God's call on me.  The church I'm part of is starting, for lack of a better term, a layman training academy to allow those of us who desire to, to begin studying the deep issues, to pursue the Word and the Spirit in close contact with others.

That's enough about me.  Honestly, what you'll probably see here is more commentary about events and articles, and I plan to start a series on the book of Ephesians, one of my favorite books.  I desire to worship in Spirit and in truth, in this as well as in everything else.

Taking a break

Blogger has an interesting little feature--well, interesting to an analytical type like myself--that shows me a breakdown of blog visitors by what post they are going to.  Now, of course, I certainly get my share of bots crawling around looking for whatever it is they're looking to suck up into Google's ever-hungry maw, but I have been blessed with readers and I can only hope that I have been used by God to speak the truth of the Gospel into someone's life.  I find it interesting that my all-time most-read post is not some controversial rant or deep theological thing, but a simple post written during a time I was hurting and struggling to trust in God's providing hand.  It is in that vein that I write here, and my intention to announce a small, (God willing) temporary change.

The joy and frustration of living in this "already/not yet" world that contains the Gospel but not its ultimate fulfillment produces lots of hard times.  It is unfortunate that I am crossing over into one of those right now.  I take a great deal of joy in knowing that God has promised exactly what the result of a time like this will be already:

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.--Romans 8:18-30

 Knowing that to be true, the painful time that I am passing into right now is tempered by a very strange sense of peace, one that I know the last few years have been shaping me to go through, and a time that I know God will use for further shaping.  I am purposefully not giving any specifics at this time, but my point in writing this is to say that I will be taking time away from here, and those of you who follow me on Twitter or chat with me in the Reformed Pub or elsewhere on Facebook will probably be seeing much less of me.

I know, I know: "How can you take a hiatus from something you do maybe 2 or 3 times a month?"  But I actually do it more than that; I just take time with things, and I've always got numerous posts sitting in draft status waiting to be finished even as I post new ones.  I'm writing simply to say that I covet your prayers, and that I hope to return to this space shortly with a testimony that will give glory to God for the incredible work He is doing in our lives.  He is good, and I desire to have that perfect love cast out all fear and leave in its place the sort of strength that does not rely on human will, but on a God who is the sovereign King of the universe.  May He be merciful and wise.

Book review: Finally Free

Finally Free: Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace
By Heath Lambert, forward by Joshua Harris

Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.--1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

I have written before about my struggle against addiction to pornography and the ways in which God poured out a great deal of grace into my life as He matured me and led me onto His paths.  The incredible mercy God showed me through all of that, the way He broke in to destroy strongholds of sinfulness while showing me His immense love and gentleness is the reason I have no problem accepting as true the idea of God saving those He wills by His call and not by anything they have done--because surely, I did nothing to deserve that mercy.  That struggle, of course, is not completely absent from my life, but it is much smaller now; no longer is my life dominated by wicked desires that drive me between lust and despair.  However, I still have times when its ugly head is reared, and I desired to sharpen my arsenal especially as we moved; I was temporarily without a group of close brothers to turn to and I desired to put my mind on something that would help me deal with this specific issue.  When I read some reviews over at The Gospel Coalition, this book excited me a lot and from the first time I got my hands on it, its words have had a great impact on me and the way I deal with my struggles.

Finally Free is very well-done in its approach, for several reasons:

Firstly, it is not the typical guilting rant: there are so many books out there that attack the reader seeking a way out with "Do you know how horrible it is for women in porn?  You're part of the problem, you need to stop!"  To which the addict replies, "You're absolutely right and I want out.  How do I get out?"  But unfortunately that's not what those books are covering.  Pointing out the evil of sin and its effects on our hearts is critical and we need to continue, but it is not the end; indeed, if that's all we do, then we have failed to preach the Gospel or truly call anyone to repentance.

Likewise, this is not a heady treatise, nor is it purely practical in nature.  However, it absolutely is practical, in fact I would argue that its effect is most practical simply because the author spends so much time preaching the simple truths of Scripture and God's grace.  It's not just "here's how to get away from looking at porn," though that certainly is an aspect of it; rather, it is a call to recognize that when we allow pornography into our lives, we are allowing another master besides Jesus to rule over us.

No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.--Matthew 6:24

I've long contended here that Jesus' specific attack on one of man's most common idols, an idol that reveals how much (or little) man really trusts God to provide for him, can be extended to cover all of our idols.  And truly, one cannot serve both God and wicked sexual desire at the same time.   But that is the point that Lambert builds up to and makes very well: the point of this struggle is not, as I said, to simply cease looking at porn for its own sake, but rather to walk with Christ, to know Him deeply and have that relationship with Him that He has called us into.  It is the very reason grace is extended, and it is why in the epistles to the churches Paul and the other apostles who we see writing spend so much time over and over again, speaking out clearly both against legalistic rule enforcement and against licentiousness--they're simply two sides of the same coin, and equally lead away from Christ.

Thirdly, it goes out of its way to not be graphic or vulgar in its approach to this issue.  Since this is an issue that revolves a lot around a struggle with thought life, obviously a book that went into detail about what people are already struggling with could itself prove a trigger for further problems.  It has a lot of specific examples of people dealing with this struggle drawn from Lambert's ministry, but it focuses on how they deal with it rather than what they deal with.  The reader is able to see his struggles pictured and feel the gravity of the seriousness of these sins, without also being drawn into the downward spiral of thinking about the particulars.  And that particular issue is a big one: when speaking to someone struggling with pornography, the issue is not getting a sinner to be ashamed of his sin and desire freedom.  The issue is getting them move away from worldly grief that brings only death, to godly grief that brings life and inspires real transformation.  This transformation, of course, is a work of the Spirit, but a work like this is a great motivation in that work to the struggling believer.

The book is not a long read, but I took my time with it.  It's very straightforward, and anyone willing to find the time to sit down and read can easily make their way through it in a reasonable amount of time, but there are some study questions in the back and I think it could easily be used between accountability partners or in a small group.  The first few chapters Lambert spends time writing about different weapons we can employ in the fight against sexual idolatry.

One chapter in particular that had a big impact on me was the one about using gratitude.  It did give me a great weapon in my battle, but in addition it spurred me to think about gratitude, and to realize how much I really take what Christ has done for me for granted.  By realizing this I found myself able to shine a light of truth onto those desires to look at porn when they came up, by remembering: this is not simply some random physical desire, this is an element of spiritual brokenness that is revealing an area of ingratitude, where instead of thinking "I wish I could do this but it's wrong" instead I can take the positive track of "I am grateful for the mercy and grace Christ has shown to me, not just to pay for my sin but to open my eyes to it and call me into relationship with him!"  That made a huge difference to me--not to perfection, but in the striving for it.

The end of the book ties everything together with the point I mentioned earlier: the real purpose.  We aren't simply trying to end porn addiction for its own sake, but because it is a roadblock in our walk with Christ.  Sanctification is not about a single item but dealing with all the things in our lives that do not reflect the image of Christ, and as we walk with Him we see those things turn up--the anger, the impatience, the fear and anxiety in places where we don't trust Him like we should, and so on.  Defeating pornography's hold on a generation of Christian men is crucial, but it is only step one, and that point is made clearly.

I highly recommend this book because it is both practical and Gospel-centered in its approach.  It contains a great description of specific things Christians can do in going to battle against their sins, but also consistently reminds and calls Christians to an understanding of the fact that their relationship with Christ is not something offered reluctantly by a God who had no other choice--it was given freely, lovingly, and the freedom to accept it granted out of that love by our Heavenly Father.  Know that truth, brothers, and run after it; this book is an excellent tool in that pursuit.

The light of love and the one who least deserved it

I was listening to a streaming discussion about Calvinism, and commentary related to a tape being played of someone criticizing it by saying that they heard a lot of theological discussion and verses about the sovereignty of God, but they didn't hear a lot of talk about God's love. My wife was listening with me and she mentioned that she agreed with him to some extent: that she feels like a lot of theological talk comes apart from a discussion about God's love, and so people who are hurting and tired that come to this just have no interest in hearing it, and in fact it serves to place a heavier burden on them. And this placed a weight on my own heart. After all, I certainly have not felt like that about the teaching and preaching that has greatly impacted my own life. The words of men like Matt Chandler, John Piper and Charles Spurgeon have always come to me, not as an intellectual, dry talk about theological issues, but as hot, passionate love notes to a God that authored their very existences, who transformed them from people who were focused on themselves, their own comfort and desires, into men who were willing to sacrifice all that for the sake of giving glory to Jesus and pointing others to Him. And I realized that I needed to do a better job of being that same person, of not simply being a knower and explainer, but of being a lover and an example of how much Jesus has shown me His immense love for me.

My life before His life was poured out into me was one that had begun in church, but in which I feel like my ears were not open to hear. I know truth was spoken, and my parents especially sought to gently, lovingly bring us up in a Godly way and point us to Jesus. But even as I managed to conform my external life to a pattern of religion, to a way of talking and acting that seemed good and right, my unseen life was one full of addiction to selfishness. Self-righteousness ruled my life and thoughts, desires to pursue my own way and my own pleasures drove me; as I grew older I found a growing addiction to and desire for pornography that would not be satisfied. I was self-centered, and even moralistic statements I might have made were not because I understood the real significance of who God is and what it meant for His Son to have come to die for my sins, but because I believed deep down that the way to please God was to be able to hold on to an intellectual position. My eyes were closed to the reality that the life I lived, and the thoughts I allowed into my head, were a complete insult to the God I paid lip service to.

But God is rich in mercy, and it was His mercy that began to take away the things that I had used to tell myself that I was good enough on my own, in my own head. My success in school, in music, in life in general eroded, and I was left feeling frustrated and tired. I was getting along just enough, and I was sick of it but I knew no other way except to just continue as I had. Then one day almost exactly six years ago, God opened my ears, and I heard for the first real time the Gospel of Christ preached--not that I had not heard it before, but that it was in that moment that the Spirit spoke directly to me, in words of conviction, of love, of a desire to lead me into the true joy of really knowing Jesus.

And things happened in a series, quickly at first to let that first seed fall, and then afterwards slowly as the new life planted within me began to grow and flower. First, God gave me a mirror in the form of His Word: my ability to hang on to a belief that I did not really live out didn't make me commendable. It made me a functional atheist. It was really irrelevant what I thought about God, if my heart hated Him and wanted to pursue wickedness and selfishness. He showed me how I had acted in an evil manner in the way I acted in secret, and in the way I acted publically: not simply my porn addiction but the way I dealt with my friends, with strangers, with people online and in real life. No longer was I able to look at another and think "I am superior," because God broke that down: I was the chief of sinners, undeserving of anything except death.

But that was only the beginning, and the next part is why the preceding section is seen as mercy: He showed me how much He loved me. I was able to see the examples in the Word of mighty men and women of God...who really, weren't so mighty. They were broken people, just like me, who struggled with their sin and ached for a closer relationship with their God, who made mistakes and were reconciled. And God forgave, God loved, God transformed, not because they had done anything to make themselves better, but because it was His good pleasure to do exactly that. God's love extended so far that He sent His Son, who deserves nothing but ultimate praise and worship as the Creator and the Word of God, to become a man born to the lowliest station of life, to live the life I could never live and die the death I deserved to die, because He desired to adopt into His kingdom sons and daughters who knew that love and desired Him above all things.

And in having my eyes opened to that love...I broke. I wept openly and praised the Name of the Living God that He would ever make my life anything other than a display of His justice...instead, He made it a display of His mercy. He made it a moment to show His incredible forgiveness, His love and goodness in working out His desires to adopt and redeem me. Again, not because I had deserved it, not because I memorized enough verses, or knew the right things, or acted the right way. Certainly not because I could hold and defend an intellectual position, but because it was His pleasure and desire to glorify Himself by loving me more than I could ever deserve. And that is why I love God, it's why I love the doctrine of God's sovereignty and His rule over my life...because I do not deserve it, but He has worked it anyway. I pray for more and deeper roots, and I pray that I would be seen as a gentle, nail-pierced example of that love, to my wife most of all.

Escape is not an option

It's another post-election day, and I think it's safe to say that, as usual, no one is really happy.  The losing side sees doom on the horizon, and the winning side is frustrated that while it didn't lose, it also didn't gain anything; essentially, the status quo remains.  Not totally, of course, but it seems that the nation is in something of a stalemate. 

So you all know what that means: let's talk about Jesus!

I've written before about the limitations of politics mixing with Christian ideas and where both sides fall short, as it were, of what the Bible actually calls us to be in Christ.  Of course, the most obvious place is that neither party puts its glory in God but rather in men, in leaders elected who achieve success of some kind or another.  They put their faith in personalities, or ideas, or desires, but not in the God who "removes and sets up kings."  On the same token, hope does not lie with men--thankfully.  Hope lies with God, who is the one who establishes governments for His glory and at the same time, provides all things for His children. 

Yesterday was sort of a strange day for me; while I certainly am not pleased by the result of the presidential election, I saw God move to display the next few steps in our path in the form of a company I've been working to get a job with extending me an offer, which I accepted.  I will be leaving Brook Mays at the end of the month and moving to a company called Uline, to work in inside sales.  It's a great opportunity for my wife and I, and we're both very excited about what lies in store for us from here.  But the attitude of many of the people of a similar political vein to me that I read or that I'm friends with has been pessimistic as of late.  Probably the most stark writing was this post on Instapundit from late last night, an email from a reader which is essentially a call for those who work hard to produce to throw in the towel and "go Galt," borrowing the concept from Ayn Rand's novel Atlas Shrugged, wherein the members of society who have been responsible for its economic growth and prosperity grow tired of a government that demonizes them and takes and takes to buy the votes of those who have less, that enslaves their efforts for its own purposes.  While I sympathize with the feeling, the frustration of knowing the direction that a growing welfare state will send this country and yet seeing so many people either not believing that we will end up there or actually desiring it, this is where Christianity and conservatism part ways.  "Going Galt" is not an option for someone who has been transformed by the power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Firstly, I will remind what I said the last time I spoke on matters political: the person who stands on the other side of a political issue from me is not my enemy.  I will absolutely speak my mind on what I think is good policy, I will participate in the process, but this election should be a lesson to all that political victory is both fleeting and ultimately out of our control.  There is a call on us as Christians to stand against immorality in our culture, to speak the truth of the Gospel no matter how angry it makes those on whom it shines light, but more importantly there is a call on us to use what God gifts us with to love those around us.  If God is setting me up on a path to more earthly success, it is not my role to hoard in in fear of losing it, because it belongs to God and He'll give and take it as He pleases.  I will continue to speak out in favor of liberty and policies that promote greater prosperity, and against the wickedness of abortion and a culture that is so willing to dispose of anyone who is too great an expense or inconvenience, but all of it falls within the umbrella of the ministry of reconciliation.  My goal is not to hammer home a victory over my political opponents; I'd rather see a relationship grow with him that lets me share the Gospel and, God willing, watch the seed of God's word planted grow into a renewed life. 

Easier said then done, of course.  My inclination, as those who knew me in my youth can no doubt attest, is to go into battle swinging away.  But that too is part of Jesus' ministry of reconciliation, transforming me from someone who seeks to use the gifts of logic and language given to me for my own glory, to be "the guy who is right," and to instead seek a humbler end through them. 

This has been long and somewhat rambling, and I don't know if I've been effective in really making a point here that someone on either side will take a liking to.  I will wrap it up with two brief statements: 1) my hope does not lie in men, in elections or laws or matters of policy, but with the truth of the Gospel and the transformation God continues to effect in my heart and in the lives of my wife and myself, and 2) whether the country enters a new era of prosperity or declines in the same way Europe has, I will continue to celebrate that hope. 

Let brotherly love continue.  Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.  Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body.  Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.  Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  So we can confidently say,

“The Lord is my helper;
    I will not fear;
what can man do to me?”

 Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith.  Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.  Do not be led away by diverse and strange teachings, for it is good for the heart to be strengthened by grace, not by foods, which have not benefited those devoted to them.  We have an altar from which those who serve the tent have no right to eat.  For the bodies of those animals whose blood is brought into the holy places by the high priest as a sacrifice for sin are burned outside the camp.  So Jesus also suffered outside the gate in order to sanctify the people through his own blood.  Therefore let us go to him outside the camp and bear the reproach he endured.  For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come.  Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name.  Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.--Hebrews 13:1-16

We do not seek after escape from the troubles of life, but instead let us stand firm on the rock of Jesus Christ and know that no storm coming will shake us loose.

Loving the good = hating the bad: the struggle in life

I have been deeply blessed by the last few months spent listening to John Piper's sermon series on the book of Romans. At 225 sermons over the span of 9 years, I can only imagine how daunting the task must have seemed when he began the series in 1998, but now with about 45 sermons left to listen to I approach each drive to work with a desire that God will open my heart to the truth he speaks, while also giving me discernment to separate Biblical truth from human opinion (a prayer I have no doubt Pastor John would concur with) as well as protecting me from laziness about reading my own Bible--no podcast will ever supplement the written Word in feeding oneself spiritually.

The entire book of Romans is so enormous that I expect blogging on it would take at least as long as his series did if not longer, even though I am not constrained by one post per week. (although given that I haven't posted in several months, one might disagree) But the subject of the last couple days' worth of podcasts deserves, I felt, special attention and prayerful discussion especially in light of today.

It's Columbus Day, probably one of the more controversial American holidays as the last couple decades has seen education about Columbus shift from his accomplishments of discovering the New World and opening up an entire new era of exploration, to condemning him as a racist, sexist, bigot, mass murderer, etc. But that's not the day I have in mind to discuss here. In more recent years, today has become "National Coming Out Day," a day to encourage those with homosexual desires to "come out of the closet" and to celebrate homosexuality as a lifestyle.

The Bible's stance on homosexuality is clear, yet not so one-dimensional as people think. Paul spells it out in Romans 1:

For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.

Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.

For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.

And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God’s decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.--Romans 1:18-32

In other words: homosexuality is the result of man staring at himself in the mirror and worshipping that image. He falls in love with himself, both in a symbolic and in a literal sense. It becomes idolatry of the self, and in our culture is reinforced with healthy doses of pride. Unfortunately a lot of evangelicals have responded to the rising number of people claiming homosexual tendencies by trying to whitewash it, as though they can make the world "family friendly" and not in a way that is loving to those who struggle. So here is the double-edged sword: the Bible condemns homosexuality as a consequence of sin and calls believers to be around sinners and love them deeply.

One of the amazing things about Paul's writings is the consistency of the patterns he sticks to. When he talks about marriage, he speaks to wives first, then husbands, for no husband can lead a wife who refuses to be lead (and this pattern is true throughout the Bible). And in the case of Romans 12, as in 1 Corinthians 12 and 13, Paul speaks first about spiritual giftings, then about the cruciality of love and what, exactly, is love:

For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.--Romans 12:3-21

There's a lot in there but I tried to highlight just a few of the spots that are crucial to my point today. So much of American evangelicalism has become a political movement associated with a moralistic, "Won't somebody please think of the children?!" way of living, where everything that vaguely sniffs of the world is attacked viciously in the name of Jesus. This is not how we're called to live as believers. But it seems like in this day and age of hypersensitivity and where everyone feels like the way to accomplish anything is to designate yourself part of a victimized group, Christians have taken what is supposed to be an internal struggle against their own sin, supported by the love and compassion of the believers around them, and transformed it into a Pharisaical war on sin in culture and society.

When the law is covered by God's mercy and displayed to the world in the form of Christ's sacrifice and resurrection, it becomes an open door to God's throne room, where sin is cleansed, healing happens and real relationships are founded on the rock of Christ. When the law becomes a means to force behavior by one's own will, it becomes death because that's a standard we can't live up to. We either lose all hope and eventually just assume an attitude of "whatever, no one can tell me what to do, it's all a waste" or we become self-righteously religious in an attempt to quell our constant knowledge that we can't live up to our own list of rules, let alone God's.

And so here we are, on a day that celebrates the former in opposition to the latter. Yet I am here to say that neither way is right, and both lead to death. The former because it is nothing more than overt sin combined with the murder of the human conscience, the latter because it is all law with no mercy and certainly no love.

So we're stuck here with something of a paradox: God hates sin and calls us to hate it as well, yet He also calls us to love all people, including--or maybe I should say especially--the people who hate us and hurt us. So that certainly doesn't leave room for any sort of self-righteousness or any attitude other than love and compassion towards others. But: is it loving to look at a man who's burning, and not tell him he's on fire just because he believes being on fire is the only possible state he can exist in, and is offended at any contrary suggestion?

There's no love in that, contrary to what culture says. Yet I do not wish to downplay the sort of struggle I am speaking of here, and I don't believe I do. While homosexuality is not something on my list of particular struggles, sexual sin certainly is, and its inevitability just as strong to a sinful heart. I know that will anger a lot of people, to hear my personal struggle with lust and pornography compared to what our culture has declared a legitimate lifestyle to be respected, but I simply make that comparison because the Bible does, and because many men I've encountered with that struggle face it in the same way I face mine. This is not a finger-wagging "You'd better believe!" line, but a humble, pleading call from a man who has found the one true home for humanity at the foot of the cross: "Come join me. There is joy here, real joy, and real freedom."

To my friends out there who struggle with this in shame: it's okay to not be okay. Christ offers wholeness and love, real forgiveness from your true Father. Not from me, not from any other human, but from your loving Creator God. To my friends who are "out" and refuse to feel shame, I pray that your hearts will be broken--not to punish you, but that they would be broken for Jesus and that you would be able to taste His amazing, and true, love. I pray that there would be truth in what I'm saying, and I pray that many new brothers and sisters would join with me.

How we got here; or, Why

This is a post I've been pondering for a long time, and referred to in passing a couple times: the idea of writing my testimony. I must admit it makes me a little nervous because in telling this story, I will be laying it all out there: the things I've struggled with, the way I've hurt people either purposefully or accidentally, my natural heart of selfishness and self-serving. I pray that this comes to point not to myself, but to God and to what He's done for me, because my story is only about Him. People who knew me in years past might take it as seriously as they can having known me before, I suppose, and all I can do is extend an apology to those I wronged and pray God grants them a spirit of forgiveness. So, let's get to it.

Unlike a lot of the people around me at the Village, I grew up in a Christian family. They weren't the legalistic, moralistic Flanders-ish people you might expect; my parents loved (well, love) Jesus and raised me to love Him as well, as best they could. They gave me my first few years of education in a Christian school to ground me in the Word alongside church and my parents' own efforts to teach me and show me God's love through their words and actions. Overall I would say that my parents set me up to succeed in every way possible--life was certainly not perfect, but looking back I certainly can't complain. I didn't walk around with some foreboding sense of guilt, but at the same time as a kid I don't think I fully understood the weight of the Gospel and what it meant to me.

I was a very bookish kid, spending as much time in the library as doing anything else during the summer and my times off from school. I'd read anything, and very quickly. All of this served to build in me a natural curiosity and subsequent desire to satisfy that curiosity. So when the Internet appeared, it was natural to jump into exploring it with both feet, and eventually we had our own computer at home, where I could spend time reading just about anything--comics, newspaper columns, primitive blogs, free from the prying eyes of librarians and the restraint of class time.

I don't remember the first time I saw something pornographic online or what led me to it, but I remember my justification for exploring it further: "Well, I just want to know more about this." An easy one for me to make given my natural disposition. My mind was very much compartmentalized at this point; I was able to look at porn and justify the behaviors it led me to--lying, treating other people like dirt when they wouldn't leave me alone, let alone actually downloading it--and then go to church for youth group and services without realizing the huge disconnect I had created.

Before long I had developed a full-blown addiction to pornography. I got busted a couple times and my parents expressed their grief over it in as much love as two frustrated parents could muster. I tried to deal with it but ultimately all I did was find better ways of hiding it. I knew the computer better than anyone else in the house, and I was able to find ways to cover up what I was doing. My addiction followed me to college, where four years in a dorm with my own computer allowed me to sink even lower.

For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.

Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.--Romans 1:18-25

There was a secondary branch to my life that must also be told. As I said, I was a kid who was very much into reading, and knowing things. Likewise, I was brought up to love Christ and while my heart wandered, my head stayed with what I'd been taught--indeed, it was in my knowledge that I was able to hold on at all, and it was with this that God was gracious enough to keep me from jumping off into full-blown sinful hedonism (and not the kind meant in this blog's name). I had plenty of it, but God held back the full might of His righteous judgment on me and instead allowed me in just far enough to realize where I was when He would call me back. But, we're not there yet.

So: I knew a lot of stuff. I knew what the Bible said at least enough to understand its implications about behavior, I was a kid who would go into battle over things like creation, the state of man's heart (though not my own), the truth of the Bible as far as it can be proven in a historical sense, and so on. So here's a humanity equation for you: what do you get when you add Christian morality together with sinful desires and multiply that by pride and a Gospel that hasn't truly fallen into one's heart? You get a young man who is becoming the kind of "Christian" who would just as soon use the cross as a club as welcome unbelievers to worship. You get someone who's not growing in love for Christ. You get someone who, if life continues this direction, ends up standing with the goats when Matthew 25 is played out.

My pride grew as my success in life grew over time. My skill as a musician had grown since high school and my pride along with it; I was being recognized, and when I entered the drum corps world success followed me there. Drum and bugle corps was very formative to a growing "I can do it by my own strength" attitude, an attitude that only served to depress my ability to be sympathetic. I received my bachelor's in music from Wichita State and ended up coming to the University of North Texas to do grad degree work. It was at this point that God began the painful process of kicking away all the supports that kept me on the path I was on.

The first one to go was drum corps. I got involved with a corps in the area for a couple seasons, and also put time in teaching both my old corps and another junior corps, but my finances began to contract as my expenses increased and soon I couldn't justify spending all this time on an activity that at the very least asked for my time for free, if not insisting that I pay to play. School was next, and fell victim to the same problem in its own way--my personal debt had grown but I wasn't making enough to pay my bills and do life, so I took on a second job. That plus grad school began to wear on me, and my grades suffered. By 2007 I found myself academically suspended from school.

All that was left was my perceived future as a professional performer. My at least temporary removal from school dealt a blow to that, but as I was a part of a group I loved performing with and saw making it at least as a regular working musician, I was confident. But in a few months that was put in jeopardy too, as the same sort of stresses that hurt any other group began to work on us and by the end of the year we were in danger of dissolving. All of this together with my sense of "I can fix all this, I'm good and smart enough" was building me into a man that, continued on this path of desire for self, would become bitter and angry. I still held on to God in my mind, but I refused to submit my heart to Him the way I had as a young kid.

I do believe that I was saved when I was young, but God allowed me to drift away that He might call me further into Him. Not that He said "You go commit sins because I want you to," but that He let me live my life in a way that I thought was right because on the other side of that, hope in Him meant so much more. I'm still thinking and praying on that, but regardless I am here now and I know that God will reveal the deeper theological truths in due time, when they will bring the most glory to Him and do the most good in me.

Near the end of 2007, a guy who was playing in my band at the time invited me to go to church with him. The Village had just opened its Denton campus, and I was understandably skeptical. "A video campus? How does that work? Do they go into reruns in the summer?" But, I ended up going in November, and hearing this sermon. I don't recall now what it was about that particular sermon that hit me so hard, but at the time it was like Matt was speaking directly to me, to what I was going through. I felt called at levels I'd never experienced before to start going regularly, and over the next few months I began attending recovery and I joined a homegroup, becoming a member of the church. In all the years since I had been a kid immersed in a Christian home and church, since I'd drifted out of church in college but still clung to belief in my mind, I'd never felt my heart ministered to so clearly. I had known stuff about God, but the years had shown that knowing and being able to debate meant little or nothing. There was a brokenness in me that I'd been trying to fill up--with ambition, with sex, with music--and yet it remained.

Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.--C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

God used all of this to call to me gently, lovingly, and to heal me. At once, He took what I had in my head for all these years--all the books read, all the scripture memorized but never really sunk in--and simultaneously, He showed that it was inadequate while He also brought those things into fruition in their proper place. He showed that humility was something in which there was joy, but that humility meant service, which means work, and working for God meant that I had a loving, understanding Boss who would never give me menial tasks and was the Provider of everything I needed to do it, a Boss that grants me my position not based on my worthiness but because He loves me.

I'm still learning what that work is, and over the last few months He's opened new things to me. But the immense joy in my life has come as God has moved to set me free from my addiction to lust and pornography, and renewed my heart for my sisters through His Son. I am deeply ashamed of where I was, and there may be women reading this that are personally aware of exactly where. If that is the case, I humbly ask for forgiveness for looking at you not as a fellow human and someone to love, but as an object to use for my own wicked desires. But my conviction has brought freedom. I still struggle, every day, and every day I offer this up to God: Give me the strength to resist temptation, the heart to serve, and the grace to cover when I fall. God has been gracious in all things and my joy grows because I know there is not condemnation waiting for me, but final and eternal freedom from my sin.

What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice. Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.--Philippians 1:18-21

As I said, this is a post I've had on my mind for a very long time, and lately I've felt driven to finally write it and post it. The battle in my heart between my sinful, selfish desires and the new desire to love God and know Him rages on, but I'm learning not to despair. God's given me joy in Him, joy that can't be quenched by rough times in life and which only grows with each new day--not some "Slap a big phony smile on because you love Jesus!" joy, but something more real than anything I've known before. I hope that out of this writing comes joy for more, a spreading of the Gospel, renewed hearts, and forgiveness.

The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.--1 Timothy 1:15