On my knees unashamed

"But we have learned from the Bible...that God's interest is to magnify the fullness of His glory by spilling over in mercy to us. Therefore, the pursuit of our interest and our happiness is never above God's, but always in God's. The most precious truth in the Bible is that God's greatest interest is to glorify the wealth of His grace by making sinners happy in him--in Him!

"When we humble ourselves like little children and put on no airs of self-sufficiency, but run happily into the joy of our Father's embrace, the glory of His grace is magnified and the longing of our soul is satisfied. Our interest and His glory are one. Therefore, Christian Hedonists do not put their happiness above God's glory when they pursue happiness in Him."--John Piper, Desiring God

Now a discussion arose between some of John (the Baptist)'s disciples and a Jew over purification [baptism]. And they came to John and said to him, "Rabbi, he who was with you across the Jordan, to whom you bore witness--look, he is baptizing, and all are going to him." John answered, "A person cannot receive even one thing unless it is given him from heaven. You yourselves bear me witness, that I said, 'I am not the Christ, but I have been sent before him.' The one who has the bride is the bridegroom. The friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom's voice. Therefore this joy of mine is now complete. He must increase, but I must decrease."--John 3:25-30

There's a lot of distracting crap in my life. Having money, not having money; friends and associates; working, or not working; going out of town, being stuck in Denton for extended periods. Partying with friends, or sitting around at home doing nothing. Looking at a pretty girl, or being around nothing but guys. Music, or silence.

Yes, there is a pattern to that: everything is a distraction to what I want most out of life: developing a deep relationship with God that produces in me the fruit of the Spirit. At times I've tried to eliminate distractions completely, usually to no avail in the long run. There are obvious things, that have to go, of course; if I'm trying to develop a relationship with my wife, I don't spend all the time I'm away from her staring at pornography. Yet, I and so many other Christians do exactly that, both literally and figuratively, when it comes to my/our relationship(s) with God.

So how to deal? Pray about it.

It's a habit I'm trying to build, but it's one that has a hard time taking. I am seeking, though, and I am faithful that God's work in me is ongoing. What I want is to get to the point where my first instinct is to turn to God. I'm not talking about walking up to the counter at McDonald's and suddenly kneeling in front of the counter: "O Lord, please guide me and provide me with wisdom on what I should order right now." On the contrary, I'm looking to build a personal relationship here, not an awkward formal one. That's been one of my biggest problems for a long time: looking at God as though He has to be approached in certain formal ways, with certain language, postures, etc. Certainly one must be humble to come to God, but I want humility to become a default position for me, one through which I view myself and all my interactions in the world, not something I keep over here just for when I need to grab a quick chat with God before I go back to doing things exactly the way I did before.

What I want is to get to the point where talking to God is something I do as a course of daily life, where God is my ultimate source of strength and wisdom and I am always asking, confessing, praising, venting, or just telling about what's going through my mind and my heart. Nothing in me can be hidden from Him, therefore I want to put it all out there in the open, with open hands, so that He can provide me with His real wisdom and I can enjoy happiness in Him.

I want me to be less. I want the me that wants what it wants no matter what getting it will truly result in to die, to be smaller and quieter every day. I want the Spirit to be bigger, stronger, louder, and greater, and to produce in me a desire to keep seeking joy in God. There are occasions that I have tasted what that means, and it's an experience that I can scarcely put in words. It's something that all humanity seeks to experience with its endless experimentation with drugs and alcohol, sex, relationships, and virtually everything else humanity does apart from God, yet never will without Him.

My prayer this day is that He will uplift me to those moments each day to remind me of what I'm seeking, and protect me from my own foolishness and arrogance in those moments when I forget.