Back again

Finally back in Texas--well, I've been back. It's been a couple days of doing battle with various domestic things. My parents gave me an AeroBed to replace the mattress and box spring I tossed out when I discovered a bedbug infestation. I've made headway against said bugs, who are about as much of a nuisance as I could imagine dealing with. Tiny, the same color as the carpet, and only appearing when I'm sleeping...not a recipe for good things. I've sprayed around and cleaned thoroughly, so things have been better.

But, this air mattress is now becoming the new aggravation. I set it up only to discover it had a small leak in it, and no matter how thoroughly I followed the patching instructions it was to no avail. I'm going to call them and try to call in the warranty on it, hopefully get them to send me a new one. However, I'm fully prepared to deal with a wall of opposition. The warranty is contained within a wall of legalese, the sort designed specifically to make a normal human's eyes glaze over with disinterest, which to me signals that they intend to hold out on honoring it as long as possible.

Amazingly I was not scheduled for work anywhere today. I thought about calling my various bosses: "Are you sure? Nothing at all?" but thought better of it. I spent today running some errands, to the bank, to pay the rent, and then to that vast collection of human necessity and debris, Wal-Mart. I hold no particular glee about going there, but neither am I philosophically opposed to its existence. If they can save me fifty cents on milk, then more power to them.

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Through all this, I seek a greater joy. I find myself at turns experiencing a taste of joy in God, when I grow in closer through study, through life in general, to God and His great love. Likewise, I find it easy when things grow better to fall back into the things that destroy that desire. It's not the same thing, nor is it always something explicitly bad. There are the days when I hear the call of the computer to just go ahead, slide on down to that website, just spend a minute there--you'll feel better! Really! Other times it's just being wrapped up in daily life. Sorry, can't think about this right now, I'm a very busy person. Very busy. Very busy hey, why don't you just look at this--no. Can't. Busy. But how is that any better?

It's not.

In Galatians 5, Paul talks about what's produced by a life in the flesh versus a life in the Spirit:

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

If I'm living a life gratifying the desires of the flesh, regardless of what they are, and certainly there is a strong part of me that desires to do that, then I can't find true joy and I will not be able to bear good fruit. One of the problems Christians today have, especially in America, is that we have taken certain sins and elevated them to higher levels than others. Sexual sins especially have experienced this prioritizing, as sin has stopped being a spiritual issue, an issue of my heart, and has become a moral issue, an issue of my actions.

I know what I do, I'm in full control of it and it's all of my own choosing. Whether I do X or Y, however, is irrelevant. I want my heart to be free of the desire to sin. I want to go in and rip up the weeds that are crowding out the good fruit that God is trying to grow. And by myself, I can't do that. It's not possible by my own strength.

Thank God that He has provided mercy and grace, and that His Son died for me and rose again.

Lately on all of this I've just felt like things have been spiraling around directionless, and it's been a result of my own lack of discipline. It's so easy for me to find excuses not to study the Word when I'm away. It is amazing, in fact; I could start my own Discount Excuses Warehouse. "We've got not-praying, not-reading-the-Bible, even excuses for blatant sins!" It's easy to seek out quick jolts of pleasure; they are all around, constantly, always inviting.

But God has grabbed hold of my soul, and He is not letting go. That seed of desire for Him is growing, slowly but surely. I pray with deep passion and through the anguish of knowing the wrongs I've done that He'll give me the strength and the wisdom to, one by one, get down to the business of yanking the thorns and thistles out of my heart. It hurts my hands, but goodness knows my heart will feel a lot better.