My failure, His victory

Love does not seek its own private, limited joy, but instead seeks its own joy in the good--the salvation and edification--of others.--John Piper, Desiring God, p.116

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.--Ephesians 6:10-11

It seems to me that to be a Christian is to say, freely and openly, "I am a hypocrite." We choose to enter into a relationship that calls us to be a certain way--not just act in a certain fashion, but To Be a certain way in life, in our hearts and minds, and through our actions. However, this call is superimposed on a heart that longs to be essentially the opposite of that.

Christ calls us to love Him above all, and to love even our enemies. Our hearts tell us to take care of ourselves first and let things fall where they may. Christ calls us to put aside all the things that separate us from Him and to dig in close, to let Him work in us in all things. Our hearts want to seize momentary joy and pleasure but when the realization that this involves pain and putting to death over the course of a life the old man, the old heart, that sinful heart fights back. To many of us, Christianity has been about trying to grab onto something sturdy and hold on to weather those times of temptation, rather than trusting in Christ or running to Him first.

And it is especially in times of temptation that I find myself the most ashamed of my own words and actions. Even as I fight to crucify my sinful heart and to grow into the new man, I still am pulled into my old sins by that heart. I am seeking to pursue a woman in Christ as a man transformed, but even as I do I find myself saying things or wanting to say things to other women that I immediately regret. I want to take momentary pleasures even while the new part of me says "That way is dead...this way is life."

One of these days I may write out my testimony. I don't want to represent myself as someone who was broken, but is now totally together and great. I'm not, but at the same time the last couple years or so have brought to me an incredible level of healing. Now those moments where I find myself getting into shameful thoughts and words are fewer, and they stand out moreso to me...and it makes me want to kill them even more.

But it's not my strength that will support me through such things. My own strength and wisdom are straight up foolishness, because as with all people, I am very capable of justifying anything to myself no matter how wrong and destructive it is. This day my heart more than anything else needs wisdom from God to discern His path, not just in the obvious but in those things that start to tempt me away from Him. My heart needs strength from the Holy Spirit to resist those things, and to stand against temptation no matter how desirous.

This is not some sort of "never again" post, because I'll tell you...I'll probably look at porn again, I'll probably get into a bad conversation again, or at the very least, allow myself to walk into a situation full of temptation. And it's my own fault, my own decision. But I want that sin, something that to this point has been a temptation, a point of desire, to become something that repulses me. As I've said before, I say again: I want my ultimate desire, the greatest pleasure I take in life, to be God, and Him alone.

I am deeply grateful for His mercy and for the amazing people He's put around me to encourage and strengthen me in all times. By myself I cannot break away, by myself I will either stay where I am or end up throwing myself into pure hard-heartedness in the name of escaping this sin. With God, I am finding healing and growth into a new man and a new joy.