My failure, His victory

Love does not seek its own private, limited joy, but instead seeks its own joy in the good--the salvation and edification--of others.--John Piper, Desiring God, p.116

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.--Ephesians 6:10-11

It seems to me that to be a Christian is to say, freely and openly, "I am a hypocrite." We choose to enter into a relationship that calls us to be a certain way--not just act in a certain fashion, but To Be a certain way in life, in our hearts and minds, and through our actions. However, this call is superimposed on a heart that longs to be essentially the opposite of that.

Christ calls us to love Him above all, and to love even our enemies. Our hearts tell us to take care of ourselves first and let things fall where they may. Christ calls us to put aside all the things that separate us from Him and to dig in close, to let Him work in us in all things. Our hearts want to seize momentary joy and pleasure but when the realization that this involves pain and putting to death over the course of a life the old man, the old heart, that sinful heart fights back. To many of us, Christianity has been about trying to grab onto something sturdy and hold on to weather those times of temptation, rather than trusting in Christ or running to Him first.

And it is especially in times of temptation that I find myself the most ashamed of my own words and actions. Even as I fight to crucify my sinful heart and to grow into the new man, I still am pulled into my old sins by that heart. I am seeking to pursue a woman in Christ as a man transformed, but even as I do I find myself saying things or wanting to say things to other women that I immediately regret. I want to take momentary pleasures even while the new part of me says "That way is dead...this way is life."

One of these days I may write out my testimony. I don't want to represent myself as someone who was broken, but is now totally together and great. I'm not, but at the same time the last couple years or so have brought to me an incredible level of healing. Now those moments where I find myself getting into shameful thoughts and words are fewer, and they stand out moreso to me...and it makes me want to kill them even more.

But it's not my strength that will support me through such things. My own strength and wisdom are straight up foolishness, because as with all people, I am very capable of justifying anything to myself no matter how wrong and destructive it is. This day my heart more than anything else needs wisdom from God to discern His path, not just in the obvious but in those things that start to tempt me away from Him. My heart needs strength from the Holy Spirit to resist those things, and to stand against temptation no matter how desirous.

This is not some sort of "never again" post, because I'll tell you...I'll probably look at porn again, I'll probably get into a bad conversation again, or at the very least, allow myself to walk into a situation full of temptation. And it's my own fault, my own decision. But I want that sin, something that to this point has been a temptation, a point of desire, to become something that repulses me. As I've said before, I say again: I want my ultimate desire, the greatest pleasure I take in life, to be God, and Him alone.

I am deeply grateful for His mercy and for the amazing people He's put around me to encourage and strengthen me in all times. By myself I cannot break away, by myself I will either stay where I am or end up throwing myself into pure hard-heartedness in the name of escaping this sin. With God, I am finding healing and growth into a new man and a new joy.

On my knees unashamed

"But we have learned from the Bible...that God's interest is to magnify the fullness of His glory by spilling over in mercy to us. Therefore, the pursuit of our interest and our happiness is never above God's, but always in God's. The most precious truth in the Bible is that God's greatest interest is to glorify the wealth of His grace by making sinners happy in him--in Him!

"When we humble ourselves like little children and put on no airs of self-sufficiency, but run happily into the joy of our Father's embrace, the glory of His grace is magnified and the longing of our soul is satisfied. Our interest and His glory are one. Therefore, Christian Hedonists do not put their happiness above God's glory when they pursue happiness in Him."--John Piper, Desiring God

Now a discussion arose between some of John (the Baptist)'s disciples and a Jew over purification [baptism]. And they came to John and said to him, "Rabbi, he who was with you across the Jordan, to whom you bore witness--look, he is baptizing, and all are going to him." John answered, "A person cannot receive even one thing unless it is given him from heaven. You yourselves bear me witness, that I said, 'I am not the Christ, but I have been sent before him.' The one who has the bride is the bridegroom. The friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom's voice. Therefore this joy of mine is now complete. He must increase, but I must decrease."--John 3:25-30

There's a lot of distracting crap in my life. Having money, not having money; friends and associates; working, or not working; going out of town, being stuck in Denton for extended periods. Partying with friends, or sitting around at home doing nothing. Looking at a pretty girl, or being around nothing but guys. Music, or silence.

Yes, there is a pattern to that: everything is a distraction to what I want most out of life: developing a deep relationship with God that produces in me the fruit of the Spirit. At times I've tried to eliminate distractions completely, usually to no avail in the long run. There are obvious things, that have to go, of course; if I'm trying to develop a relationship with my wife, I don't spend all the time I'm away from her staring at pornography. Yet, I and so many other Christians do exactly that, both literally and figuratively, when it comes to my/our relationship(s) with God.

So how to deal? Pray about it.

It's a habit I'm trying to build, but it's one that has a hard time taking. I am seeking, though, and I am faithful that God's work in me is ongoing. What I want is to get to the point where my first instinct is to turn to God. I'm not talking about walking up to the counter at McDonald's and suddenly kneeling in front of the counter: "O Lord, please guide me and provide me with wisdom on what I should order right now." On the contrary, I'm looking to build a personal relationship here, not an awkward formal one. That's been one of my biggest problems for a long time: looking at God as though He has to be approached in certain formal ways, with certain language, postures, etc. Certainly one must be humble to come to God, but I want humility to become a default position for me, one through which I view myself and all my interactions in the world, not something I keep over here just for when I need to grab a quick chat with God before I go back to doing things exactly the way I did before.

What I want is to get to the point where talking to God is something I do as a course of daily life, where God is my ultimate source of strength and wisdom and I am always asking, confessing, praising, venting, or just telling about what's going through my mind and my heart. Nothing in me can be hidden from Him, therefore I want to put it all out there in the open, with open hands, so that He can provide me with His real wisdom and I can enjoy happiness in Him.

I want me to be less. I want the me that wants what it wants no matter what getting it will truly result in to die, to be smaller and quieter every day. I want the Spirit to be bigger, stronger, louder, and greater, and to produce in me a desire to keep seeking joy in God. There are occasions that I have tasted what that means, and it's an experience that I can scarcely put in words. It's something that all humanity seeks to experience with its endless experimentation with drugs and alcohol, sex, relationships, and virtually everything else humanity does apart from God, yet never will without Him.

My prayer this day is that He will uplift me to those moments each day to remind me of what I'm seeking, and protect me from my own foolishness and arrogance in those moments when I forget.

Gots to give the peoples what they want

If there's one thing I have thus far studiously avoided, more out of aggravation and fatigue than anything else, it's blogging here about political matters. Not that I don't care, but rather, I find the entire matter extremely tiresome. There was a time when arguing politics was something I relished, and certainly I still enjoy discussing issues. These days, however, especially online, there is little to no discussion. No one's interested in taking a topic and batting it around, looking at it from a couple different sides and digging around for what is truly factual about it. Instead, every issue becomes a new club to bash opponents over the head with.

However, this caught my eye, and I felt that it required addressing. Why? Only God knows.

Over the last several days, several Texas newspapers have been reporting some disturbing news concerning the race for Speaker of the House.

Much to the dismay of conservative Republicans across this state several liberal Republicans have apparently declared a political war against our Party.

Mr. Geren and a handful of “Republicans” actually participated in a conference call with members of the other Party in an attempt to pre-select a Speaker of the House. This is an incredible affront to Republicans across the state.

According to one article the “consensus candidate will not be chosen based on ideology or issues” but instead their main goals are to “be sensitive to everybody's feelings," and to make sure that incumbents are protected at all times. This is the “change” these individuals seek; individuals who will betray the trust of their voters, meet in secret and then demand a secret vote as its first order of business?

We are asking conservative voters to call their representatives and tell them we expect a majority of the Republican (majority) party to elect its next Speaker with an open and transparent vote.

That's great, and I certainly agree with the proposition. The problem is, the Republican party nationally and in the state has never given half a care about its principles up to this point. They've pushed a governor who's more than ready to thieve huge swaths of private property for a superhighway guaranteed to make any efforts to control the border more difficult. They're certainly not as nanny-like as the DFLers who've run the State Where Absolutely Nothing Is Allowed for many years, but they have the same tendencies at their root: We Know Better. Dallas' mayor thought so when he pushed for more smoking bans.

The kicker for me:

Remember, no one forced these representatives to sign up to run as a Republican; they did so willingly with the understanding there would be expectations from the electorate as well as the governing body of the Republican Party.

Indeed, that is the case. No, we elected these fools, knowing full well that they had no intention of doing what they said. I'm afraid that only total disaster will get people to start paying attention again in a way that matters.

This, of course, is part of the reason I've generally avoided digging into this stuff like I once did. For one, there's nothing to dig into; politics is as surface-level as one could possibly be. Secondly, there is a real tendency in me to give in to hopelessness as I see people in hard times eagerly reach towards socialism as the promised panacea to hard times and lost jobs. There is absolutely no sense in that notion--but, it appeals to man's sinful pride so readily in ways that conservatives who do not cling to Christ will never understand. Specifically, it appeals so much because it says to man, "You can perfect yourself, through your own deeds." Socialism at its source is straight up and down pride, often served with a creamy idolatry center since it has to be attached to a personality in order to sell to the masses.

Anyway: it's easy for me to look at the direction I see things moving and start feeling that all is lost. And that would be true, if it were not for the fact that all things on this Earth are temporal. If the central source of my joy were this nation and what it is and does, I would be most distraught. That's not to say it isn't something I treasure as a great gift from God to humanity--but He is still more valuable than anything, even what I believe is the greatest nation ever to dawn on the face of this planet. "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will not pass away." (Matt. 24:35)

In that spirit I pray to God that He would keep my spirit mindful of Him even in dark times, and help me to move forward single-mindedly towards the goal He has set out.

Back again

Finally back in Texas--well, I've been back. It's been a couple days of doing battle with various domestic things. My parents gave me an AeroBed to replace the mattress and box spring I tossed out when I discovered a bedbug infestation. I've made headway against said bugs, who are about as much of a nuisance as I could imagine dealing with. Tiny, the same color as the carpet, and only appearing when I'm sleeping...not a recipe for good things. I've sprayed around and cleaned thoroughly, so things have been better.

But, this air mattress is now becoming the new aggravation. I set it up only to discover it had a small leak in it, and no matter how thoroughly I followed the patching instructions it was to no avail. I'm going to call them and try to call in the warranty on it, hopefully get them to send me a new one. However, I'm fully prepared to deal with a wall of opposition. The warranty is contained within a wall of legalese, the sort designed specifically to make a normal human's eyes glaze over with disinterest, which to me signals that they intend to hold out on honoring it as long as possible.

Amazingly I was not scheduled for work anywhere today. I thought about calling my various bosses: "Are you sure? Nothing at all?" but thought better of it. I spent today running some errands, to the bank, to pay the rent, and then to that vast collection of human necessity and debris, Wal-Mart. I hold no particular glee about going there, but neither am I philosophically opposed to its existence. If they can save me fifty cents on milk, then more power to them.

***

Through all this, I seek a greater joy. I find myself at turns experiencing a taste of joy in God, when I grow in closer through study, through life in general, to God and His great love. Likewise, I find it easy when things grow better to fall back into the things that destroy that desire. It's not the same thing, nor is it always something explicitly bad. There are the days when I hear the call of the computer to just go ahead, slide on down to that website, just spend a minute there--you'll feel better! Really! Other times it's just being wrapped up in daily life. Sorry, can't think about this right now, I'm a very busy person. Very busy. Very busy hey, why don't you just look at this--no. Can't. Busy. But how is that any better?

It's not.

In Galatians 5, Paul talks about what's produced by a life in the flesh versus a life in the Spirit:

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

If I'm living a life gratifying the desires of the flesh, regardless of what they are, and certainly there is a strong part of me that desires to do that, then I can't find true joy and I will not be able to bear good fruit. One of the problems Christians today have, especially in America, is that we have taken certain sins and elevated them to higher levels than others. Sexual sins especially have experienced this prioritizing, as sin has stopped being a spiritual issue, an issue of my heart, and has become a moral issue, an issue of my actions.

I know what I do, I'm in full control of it and it's all of my own choosing. Whether I do X or Y, however, is irrelevant. I want my heart to be free of the desire to sin. I want to go in and rip up the weeds that are crowding out the good fruit that God is trying to grow. And by myself, I can't do that. It's not possible by my own strength.

Thank God that He has provided mercy and grace, and that His Son died for me and rose again.

Lately on all of this I've just felt like things have been spiraling around directionless, and it's been a result of my own lack of discipline. It's so easy for me to find excuses not to study the Word when I'm away. It is amazing, in fact; I could start my own Discount Excuses Warehouse. "We've got not-praying, not-reading-the-Bible, even excuses for blatant sins!" It's easy to seek out quick jolts of pleasure; they are all around, constantly, always inviting.

But God has grabbed hold of my soul, and He is not letting go. That seed of desire for Him is growing, slowly but surely. I pray with deep passion and through the anguish of knowing the wrongs I've done that He'll give me the strength and the wisdom to, one by one, get down to the business of yanking the thorns and thistles out of my heart. It hurts my hands, but goodness knows my heart will feel a lot better.