A steady course requires a qualified Pilot

Be not afraid when a man becomes rich, when the glory of his house increases. For when he dies he will carry nothing away; his glory will not go down after him. For though, while he lives, he counts himself blessed--and though you get praise when you do well for yourself--his soul will go to the generation of his fathers, who will never again see light. Man in his pomp yet without understanding is like the beasts that perish. Psalms 49:16-20

In estimating the credibility of the doctrine two principles ought to be observed. In the first place we must remember that the actual moment of present pain is only the centre of what may be called the whole tribulational system which extends itself by fear and pity. Whatever good effects these experiences have are dependent upon the centre; so that even if pain itself was of no spiritual value, yet, if fear and pity were, pain would have to exist in order that there should be something to be feared and pitied. And that fear and pity help us in our return to obedience and charity is not to be doubted. Everyone has experienced the effect of pity in making it easier for us to love the unlovely--that is, to love men not because they are in any way naturally agreeable to us but because they are our brethren. The beneficence of fear most of us have learned during the period of "crises" that led up to the present war. My own experience is something like this. I am progressing along the path of life in my ordinary contentedly fallen and godless condition, absorbed in a merry meeting with my friends for the morrow or a bit of work that tickles my vanity today, a holiday or a new book, when suddenly a stab of abdominal pain that threatens serious disease, or a headline in the newspapers that threatens us all with destruction, sends this whole pack of cards tumbling down. At first I am overwhelmed, and all my little happinesses look like broken toys. Then, slowly and reluctantly, bit by bit, I try to bring myself into the frame of mind that I should be in at all times. I remind myself that all these toys were never intended to possess my heart, that my true good is in another world and my only real treasure is Christ. And perhaps, by God's grace, I succeed, and for a day or two become a creature consciously dependent on God and drawing its strength from the right sources. But the moment the threat is withdrawn, my whole nature leaps back to the toys: I am even anxious, God forgive me, to banish from my mind the only thing that supported me under the threat because it is now associated with the misery of those few days. Thus the terrible necessity of tribulation is only too clear.--C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain, Ch. 6: Human Pain

And as he was setting out on his journey, a man ran up and knelt before him and asked him, "Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" And Jesus said to him, "Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone. You know the commandments: 'Do not murder. Do not commit adultery. Do not steal. Do not bear false witness. Do not defraud. Honor your father and mother.'" And he said to him, "Teacher, all these I have kept from my youth." And Jesus looking at him, loved him, and said to him, "You lack one thing: go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." Disheartened by the saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.

And Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, "How difficult it will be for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God!" And the disciples were amazed at his words. but Jesus said to them again, "Children, how difficult it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God." And they were exceedingly astonished, and said to him, "Then who can be saved?" Jesus looked at them and said, "With man it is impossible, but not with God. For all things are possible with God." Peter began to say to him, "See we have left everything and followed you." Jesus said, "Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first."--Mark 10:17-31

A lot has happened to me over the course of the summer. Traveling and performing was a big feature for the first half; though slow recently, it's about to pick up again. I've been struggling to make ends meet and searching for jobs. I wasn't feeling very optimistic in the currently climate, but all I could do was pray and ask for patience, and trust that God would provide. He had already provided me with a new home and a landlord who understood the plight of the post-collegiate, as well as a family that loves me and a church family that has been there for me through my tough times.

God provided new work for me in the form of a job at Brook Mays, a store that has, in a sense, returned from the dead; formerly a huge chain of music stores, a run-in with a much larger store chain resulted in legal action and bankruptcy, but a new company has taken on the name and now I am working in retail sales at one of the stores. I'm out of the pizza game (seemingly) for good, which is fine with me; business had been dropping off and with it hours. There are other things going on with the music front, though I'm not at liberty to be specific. However, it's likely I'll have more news before the end of the year.

This summer has been one with a lot of pain and difficulty, and little time to relax and enjoy anything. Even times when I would go out to do something fun, it was always tainted by nagging concerns in the back of my mind about what bill I'd be missing a payment on next. I had to combat it by simply letting go--not of working hard, but of worrying, which is no simple matter. It has been a drawn out process involving what every other experience that trains one in faith does: prayer, studying the Scripture, and letting the Spirit lead me to an understanding of what God's doing and to provide me with a measure of the peace that passes understanding.

At the end of this what I have been left with is a deep and abiding desire for more growth, but also a concern for the future. I know myself, and I know how easily I can fall to temptation. If things go as they might, will success prove more destructive than the pain and frustration of being stuck with mounting debt and no apparent way out? Again, though, this is an area where I ought to trust God to do what He will to achieve His ends, but I wish I could simply elect to follow Him and have that be that. As Lewis said, I know full well when I am going to start heading back towards what I shouldn't; why does it take pain to drive me back? When I get hold of the wheel it is my tendency to steer hither and yon towards whatever part of the horizon looks the most attractive, even as Jesus stands quietly beside me, warning me of the rocks beneath the waves.

I pray continually for a renewed heart that is truly that of a Christian hedonist, one that takes its fullest pleasure in God and doing what is pleasing to Him. No matter what happens, I know that the work God does in my life will ultimately lead to that. I just wish, like any child waiting to be stabbed in the arm by the vaccination needle, that it didn't have to hurt so much.