Berthing on the Dawn Treader

My roommate and I ended what has been a joyous Christmas day with a trip over to the theater. Seeing movies on holidays is a bit of a tradition in both our families, especially later in the day after the excitement of presents and dinner has worn off and left people bored and ready for distraction. Last year my siblings and I headed out to see Sherlock Holmes, a great movie that we enjoyed quite a bit. With me being in Texas far from my family and Aaron's day of family stuff done, we decided to go out and see the new Chronicles of Narnia movie, Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

When I was young, before I could even read, my parents would read from these books to me and introduced me to the incredible world that C.S. Lewis had created. When I learned to read it was not long before I was attempting to tackle these, and I read through them countless times as a child. It is no small surprise, then, that as I dig through theology books and pursue Christ by renewing my mind through the minds of others, that Lewis' works are such an inspiration to me. This book was always my favorite of the Narnia series--a grand adventure, exploring the unknown, and such joy in finding Aslan's paw moving in the lives of those aboard.

This movie was a joy on so many levels. On a purely earthly level, it is beautiful; in 3D or not, one feels immersed in the wide open expanse of the world of Narnia, the great ship plowing through the waters towards adventure and battle. But what fascinated me the most was that whether intended or not by the movie producers, Lewis' picture of Christ, His sacrifice and our salvation will not be denied. There was such a heavy, palpable truth cutting through the movie that I was overwhelmed with the joy in just that tiny, insufficient picture of God's great plan in motion. The eyes of the heart were opened and there was beauty that I long to see, joy I crave to live in, a fullness of life that lies beyond that just tore me up.

To enter Narnia, one must be a child. At a certain point you're just too old to pass back through into the Narnian world from the "real" one--but even in that plot device lies truth from the Word:

At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, "Who is the greatest in the
kingdom of heaven?" And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them
and said, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you
will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child
is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.--Matthew 18:1-3

It was the young Lucy's ability to believe in something besides what was right in front of her that led her into Narnia, and from that first trip a love for Aslan--a love for Christ--was planted in her that did not wither but grew stronger. This movie portrayed, in a moving and personal way, the manner in which sin consumes us and holds us back from living in the true freedom that Christ has called us to. My lusts of the flesh tempt me away, and like Lucy I have dark desires that lead me to wicked thoughts and acts that I try to hide in secret. But Christ has done so much to renew me, to call me back to him in such a deep and irresistable love that I cannot say no. Even as I sit in a moment of failure He urges me on, calls me to Himself, reminds me that it is not I that rend the scales of wickedness from my body to become what I truly am in Him, but that it is His work that frees, that heals.

But even in that these children are called to be warriors--they fight the enemy head on and there is no mercy from that enemy, that would destroy them all were it allowed. They must face their own weaknesses; Lucy desires to be adored by men as her sister is, while Edmund is haunted by his past betrayals. I saw so much of my own struggles in both of them and I found so much joy in seeing their own victories.

One of the most impressive moments of truth came when they reached the island that was their final destination, where Aslan's table resided--the table that he was killed upon by the White Witch in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Lords from Narnia are at the table, asleep, not to be awakened until Aslan sets things to rights. And that table, that instrument of death that had been used to hold Narnia in captivity for an age, was now the place of feasting for those called to life in him. It was a reminder that God will renew all things in this world, and that through Christ's sacrifice we find true life and joy.

O Lord, grant that I would battle as bravely against the enemy when his temptations to lust after earthly things comes. Grant that I would have the faith and innocence of a child and the ferocity of a warrior in seeking after you all my days on this Earth. And grant me, Father, that I would be brave enough to tell of my joy to those around me; this word must be spread, His joy must go forth!

God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the
mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and
foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.
Selah

There
is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of
the Most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
God
will help her when morning dawns.
The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
he utters his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

Come, behold the works
of the LORD,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
He makes wars
cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
"Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!"
The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah--Psalm 46

Build one another up: pursuing discipleship

A couple weeks ago, I was blessed with the opportunity to share a brief testimony in men's Bible study in the context of the impact that pursuing discipleship in a small group with a couple other men has had on me. I wanted to share that testimony with you now, and I will continue to write more as I pursue Christ deeper and pursue my desire for Him alongside the Godly men and women of the Village Church.

---

I think before I started going to the Village, the word “disciple” to me was just a random term used to describe Jesus’ followers, interchangeable with apostle and not holding any deeper meaning for me. Regarding my salvation, I held the view that might perhaps be best encapsulated by the term “fire insurance,” not because I’d been raised to believe that (I wasn’t) but because the gospel hadn’t really fallen in my heart yet. I didn’t articulate my belief that way, but I certainly lived like it. As a result, I don’t really know how to categorize the first two and a half decades of my life in terms of being a believer, except to say that God created circumstances that let me walk into situations that would have destroyed me had His grace not been over me, so that three years ago in November I could sit in a service at the Village and have the Spirit move powerfully in me to make the Gospel a real thing, a life-changing word of life, and make Jesus a real person, rather than a moral club or a political movement.

Through the course of diving into sermons and into the Word, I felt called to seek out discipleship, to be led by more mature believers into a greater and more fulfilling level of belief that could be sustained through all of life’s turmoil. I spent these first few years living and working from paycheck to paycheck, struggling to pay bills and seeking to build a career as a musician that was fulfilling and able to sustain me. As I dug in, the shallowness of this as my end-all, be-all in life became all too clear. Matthew 28:19-20 makes it clear that being and making disciples is our call and certainly I desired to live in obedience, but it was a call to joy that pulled me deeper in.

At the same time I was convicted of the sin in my lusting heart and my addiction to pornography, and I knew that I had to attack this in order to move forward. I first entered into discipleship relationships in recovery when it began Tuesday nights at the Denton campus, and got to interact with other men struggling, and those who had moved to a deeper relationship, a level beyond “I’m not gonna do this because it’s bad” to “I don’t do this because I love God, and this behavior is antithetical to that.” I was witness to a new kind of man, and as I dug into the Word and into old sermon podcasts I had that man defined more deeply for me.

Matt has hit on this subject of eldership and what it requires to be a leader many times, usually in the context of laying out church policy in the context of its roots in Scripture. But I saw something deeper in those sermons, particularly one from a few years ago called “What are Elders?” that I first listened to while driving around one night delivering pizza. In the biblical description of an elder, I saw the man I wanted to be. 1 Timothy 3:1-7 says:

“The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church? He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil. Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil.”

Through all of this, the Spirit planted in me a desire to know God, to love Him and to follow His ways. I’ve always been a loner, of the “I can do it myself” mindset, and I knew that I had to break out of that lest it kill my desires.

My next opportunity to enter into a discipling relationship came with homegroup. My group was and continues to be primarily young single men in the college to post-college years, but over the years we have had the opportunity to have older married men be involved with the group, men like Jim Burke and Bob Akers, who took the time to pour into us and guide us into greater maturity as men and as believers.

Earlier this year, I had the opportunity to enter into a small group with just three other men, to do a study together following the spring men’s study and dive in deeper. There is a certain struggle that goes along with building these relationships, especially a struggle to prioritize and pour in energy—to regard this as something that is not simply helpful to me, but rather, crucial to my life and necessary. The short break our group has had to take over the last month made that all the more clear to me, and I am looking forward to resuming our meetings and our study of God’s Word and his immense blessings on all of us through each other.

All of this together has helped me to grow in truth, keeping me steady even as I struggle with sin’s effect on my life and strive to push it out. Growing in Christ with other men through the last two years’ period of transition from struggling with money through hourly jobs to steady work kept me on a steady course to seeing God not as either Santa Claus for giving me a better job and salary or as arbitrary punisher for hard times, but rather as my loving Heavenly Father that desires for me to know Him and fully enjoy Him by glorifying Him forever. I took those words on years ago as an intellectually true thing, but through the influence of the men around me, it has grown deeper into a statement of my embattled heart and my deepest desire that I strive to cultivate.

Further, I have felt led to dig further into the realm of discipling other men as a result of this. I’ve seen that there is an incredible amount of work to be done in sharing the Gospel, in loving on the people around me and in growing the body of Christ, and the idea of being able to do that work inspires a great deal of joy in me. I don’t yet know exactly how this will look in my life, but I know it will involve sacrificing my time and energy for the glory of God, and I pray daily for a heart more and more in love with God and driven to pursue him in this. He’s blessed me with so many men who model this life and I pray that I may be like that.

I was reminded very recently of the urgency of this work when I learned just a few days ago that a friend of mine had passed away at the age of 39, just ten years older than me. I hadn’t seen him for a long time, and while I don’t know the state of his heart I do know that he struggled with addiction to alcohol among other things. It brought to mind all the people around me that I have known and yet have not shared the Gospel with, and the grief that comes to mind when I think of them lost. I stand before you a man saved by grace through faith gifted by God, strengthened and grown by the Spirit through the Word of God and through the body of Christ that surrounds me, and I desire to live ever-deeper in this truth and joy.

29 years of grace

I'm writing this post sitting in a body shop waiting to hear about getting a car rented so I can get to work. I've had to deal with frustrating insurance agents and now I'm just sitting here waiting for a call back. And all I can think about is how incredibly gracious God is.

Yesterday was my 29th birthday. I spent it getting up early for men's Bible study, and traveling to schools to call on band and orchestra directors. Not terribly exciting, and n0w today is shaping up to be one of the more frustrating days I've been through lately. Yet it serves as a reminder of God's grace that I have what I have, and I pray for a thankful and merciful heart.

Loving the good = hating the bad: the struggle in life

I have been deeply blessed by the last few months spent listening to John Piper's sermon series on the book of Romans. At 225 sermons over the span of 9 years, I can only imagine how daunting the task must have seemed when he began the series in 1998, but now with about 45 sermons left to listen to I approach each drive to work with a desire that God will open my heart to the truth he speaks, while also giving me discernment to separate Biblical truth from human opinion (a prayer I have no doubt Pastor John would concur with) as well as protecting me from laziness about reading my own Bible--no podcast will ever supplement the written Word in feeding oneself spiritually.

The entire book of Romans is so enormous that I expect blogging on it would take at least as long as his series did if not longer, even though I am not constrained by one post per week. (although given that I haven't posted in several months, one might disagree) But the subject of the last couple days' worth of podcasts deserves, I felt, special attention and prayerful discussion especially in light of today.

It's Columbus Day, probably one of the more controversial American holidays as the last couple decades has seen education about Columbus shift from his accomplishments of discovering the New World and opening up an entire new era of exploration, to condemning him as a racist, sexist, bigot, mass murderer, etc. But that's not the day I have in mind to discuss here. In more recent years, today has become "National Coming Out Day," a day to encourage those with homosexual desires to "come out of the closet" and to celebrate homosexuality as a lifestyle.

The Bible's stance on homosexuality is clear, yet not so one-dimensional as people think. Paul spells it out in Romans 1:

For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.

Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.

For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.

And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God’s decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.--Romans 1:18-32

In other words: homosexuality is the result of man staring at himself in the mirror and worshipping that image. He falls in love with himself, both in a symbolic and in a literal sense. It becomes idolatry of the self, and in our culture is reinforced with healthy doses of pride. Unfortunately a lot of evangelicals have responded to the rising number of people claiming homosexual tendencies by trying to whitewash it, as though they can make the world "family friendly" and not in a way that is loving to those who struggle. So here is the double-edged sword: the Bible condemns homosexuality as a consequence of sin and calls believers to be around sinners and love them deeply.

One of the amazing things about Paul's writings is the consistency of the patterns he sticks to. When he talks about marriage, he speaks to wives first, then husbands, for no husband can lead a wife who refuses to be lead (and this pattern is true throughout the Bible). And in the case of Romans 12, as in 1 Corinthians 12 and 13, Paul speaks first about spiritual giftings, then about the cruciality of love and what, exactly, is love:

For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.--Romans 12:3-21

There's a lot in there but I tried to highlight just a few of the spots that are crucial to my point today. So much of American evangelicalism has become a political movement associated with a moralistic, "Won't somebody please think of the children?!" way of living, where everything that vaguely sniffs of the world is attacked viciously in the name of Jesus. This is not how we're called to live as believers. But it seems like in this day and age of hypersensitivity and where everyone feels like the way to accomplish anything is to designate yourself part of a victimized group, Christians have taken what is supposed to be an internal struggle against their own sin, supported by the love and compassion of the believers around them, and transformed it into a Pharisaical war on sin in culture and society.

When the law is covered by God's mercy and displayed to the world in the form of Christ's sacrifice and resurrection, it becomes an open door to God's throne room, where sin is cleansed, healing happens and real relationships are founded on the rock of Christ. When the law becomes a means to force behavior by one's own will, it becomes death because that's a standard we can't live up to. We either lose all hope and eventually just assume an attitude of "whatever, no one can tell me what to do, it's all a waste" or we become self-righteously religious in an attempt to quell our constant knowledge that we can't live up to our own list of rules, let alone God's.

And so here we are, on a day that celebrates the former in opposition to the latter. Yet I am here to say that neither way is right, and both lead to death. The former because it is nothing more than overt sin combined with the murder of the human conscience, the latter because it is all law with no mercy and certainly no love.

So we're stuck here with something of a paradox: God hates sin and calls us to hate it as well, yet He also calls us to love all people, including--or maybe I should say especially--the people who hate us and hurt us. So that certainly doesn't leave room for any sort of self-righteousness or any attitude other than love and compassion towards others. But: is it loving to look at a man who's burning, and not tell him he's on fire just because he believes being on fire is the only possible state he can exist in, and is offended at any contrary suggestion?

There's no love in that, contrary to what culture says. Yet I do not wish to downplay the sort of struggle I am speaking of here, and I don't believe I do. While homosexuality is not something on my list of particular struggles, sexual sin certainly is, and its inevitability just as strong to a sinful heart. I know that will anger a lot of people, to hear my personal struggle with lust and pornography compared to what our culture has declared a legitimate lifestyle to be respected, but I simply make that comparison because the Bible does, and because many men I've encountered with that struggle face it in the same way I face mine. This is not a finger-wagging "You'd better believe!" line, but a humble, pleading call from a man who has found the one true home for humanity at the foot of the cross: "Come join me. There is joy here, real joy, and real freedom."

To my friends out there who struggle with this in shame: it's okay to not be okay. Christ offers wholeness and love, real forgiveness from your true Father. Not from me, not from any other human, but from your loving Creator God. To my friends who are "out" and refuse to feel shame, I pray that your hearts will be broken--not to punish you, but that they would be broken for Jesus and that you would be able to taste His amazing, and true, love. I pray that there would be truth in what I'm saying, and I pray that many new brothers and sisters would join with me.

Growing strong

I have plenty of days still where I just lose. My struggle with temptation is not one that comes out in the winning column anywhere near as much as I would like, and the frustration from that mounts. But even then, the bigger struggle is becoming submitting all of it to God and trusting Him that He's fulfilling everything that was promised. I'm involved with a small Bible study alongside three other Village Church men, and I've been blessed enough to be reminded of key truths:

And this is the testimony, that God gave us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. Whoever has the Son has life; whoever does not have the Son of God does not have life.--1 John 5:11-12

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with temptation he will always provide a way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.--1 Corinthians 10:13

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.--1 John 1:9

I treasure these all the more in the passing moments of defeat. Yet I know that victory isn't from my work, from my hands which can present nothing to God but filthy rags. Jesus is my victory, my freedom, and my joy. I desire more of Him, more of God.

And behold, a man came up to him, saying, "Teacher, what good deed must I do to have eternal life?" And he said to him, "Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only one who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments." He said to him, "Which ones?" And Jesus said, "You shall not murder, You shall not commit adultery, You shall not steal, You shall not bear false witness, Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself." The young man said to him, "All these I have kept. What do I still lack?" Jesus said to him, "If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.

And Jesus said to his disciples, "Truly, I say to you, only with difficulty will a rich person enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God." When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished, saying, "Who then can be saved?" But Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Then Peter said in reply, "See, we have left everything and followed you. What then will we have?" Jesus said to them, "Truly, I say to you, in the new world, when the Son of Man will sit on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.--Matthew 19:16-30

I realize that my heart clings to earthly desires--to make money, to make more money (albeit painted with nice names like "stability" that are still rooted in greed and would just as quickly honor money as god), to have women as something other than a sister in Christ and a wife to love and serve humbly. Yet God has been incredibly gracious because He woos me away from those things gently, lovingly, by showing me the incredibly beauty and joy of closeness with Him. All I can do daily is take up my cross, confess my sins, and pray for a heart that is turned more towards Him today than it was yesterday. This process has been slow, and painful at times, but the greater joy promised is something to be desired above all things.

Desiring God

The LORD upholds all who are falling
and raises up all who are bowed down.
The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food in due season.
You open your hand;
you satisfy the desire of every living thing.
Psalm 145:14-16

Inspired by a tweet by Tedashii, I opened up this morning to Psalm 145. He had noticed verse 17, but this passage is what caught my eye especially after what we studied in Philippians in homegroup yesterday. The question was raised: why are we so easily satisfied? Or perhaps more accurately, why do we so quickly seek our satisfaction in things of this world, that we already know from our and others' experience will not satisfy?

To make it personal, why do I try to take refuge in things like money, working and performing when I know those will all betray me sooner or later?

Humans are proud and foolish; we were created to worship and serve, yet we try anything we can to exalt ourselves, to make ourselves great. As I wrote about earlier, I fooled myself into thinking that because things were going well, they were that way because I deserved it and they would be that way forever. Thankfully, God was gracious enough to not let me continue in that but shook me out and brought me back to Him. No matter what I do, how far I have tried to roam and what nonsense I've engaged in looking for peace, or joy, or anything good, the only satisfaction has been in God.

Jesus has never become boring, because each day He's revealed new truth to and about me. Jesus has never frustrated me except in such a way that it shows me where I'm sinning--and a way out, a way back to life. To be sure my relationship with Christ has been difficult, but not because of Him; it's been because learning to find real satisfaction in him, to stop grasping for the things I left behind when He found me originally, is damned hard. But He's enabled me to make each step and forgiven each fall by His great mercy, and I look forward to a day when my desire for Him is as great as those men whom I admire and read: Matt Chandler, John Piper, C.S. Lewis, Francis Schaeffer, the apostle Paul. I feel like the work required to get there is like giving me a table spoon and telling me to dig to China, yet I know that's a lie. Each day I pray to desire God, and I encourage you, the reader, to seek that as well.

Prayer requests for today: diligence at work, and that God would give opportunities for the gospel to be lived and spoken of, and that from that the Spirit would come onto that place and start to heal lives.

Waiting for the day

This morning Matt spoke about Colossians 1:24-26, and the reality of suffering. I wrote in my last post that pain entering my life taking away the things of this world I held dear was what brought me back to the reality of God, and Matt's words underscored that, as do his actions as a man suffering from cancer.

Our media is filled with images and descriptions of the pain and turmoil that is life on Earth. Americans are shielded from so much yet we still have our share, whether it's disease, murder, rape, neglect, or any of the other millions of names pain goes by in this world. As Paul wrote earlier in Colossians, these things combined with our separation from God in our hearts can drive us farther away. We want to have what's good, but what do we get? We lose everything--or we have it all but realize it's meaningless. Our children die--or they grow to hate us. Our relatives abuse us--or they fling us to the four winds never to know us. We grow old, get sick, and die, or just kick off one day by accident.

But what is the alternative? Where is our hope? Our hope is in knowing that we are meant to be eternal, though this world and these bodies are not. Our hope is in knowing God, and in knowing that because of His Son we can stand before Him justified, free from guilt, to enter life as it was meant to be. Life takes a lot of swings at me, but God has been gracious enough to help me remember what's bigger. More dangerous are those good times, but that's what each morning is for: new grace, new chapter of the Word, new prayers to say.

I'm 45 sermons into John Piper's Romans series now, and it's made a big impact on my thinking. I find that I'm able to break it all down much easier, and I find myself very grateful that God has graced us with men like him, able to explain things so clearly.

Prayer requests of my own, for those who are so inclined: we're auditioning some new drummers this week, so please pray that we'd be wise in choosing and that we would find someone that will help build up the group. After all we've been through it would be nice to find another person who will take joy in his work with us. Also, with the new season comes new stuff at work, pray for a drive to be diligent in everything. There are some other things, but I'll post about them later when they're more firm.

How we got here; or, Why

This is a post I've been pondering for a long time, and referred to in passing a couple times: the idea of writing my testimony. I must admit it makes me a little nervous because in telling this story, I will be laying it all out there: the things I've struggled with, the way I've hurt people either purposefully or accidentally, my natural heart of selfishness and self-serving. I pray that this comes to point not to myself, but to God and to what He's done for me, because my story is only about Him. People who knew me in years past might take it as seriously as they can having known me before, I suppose, and all I can do is extend an apology to those I wronged and pray God grants them a spirit of forgiveness. So, let's get to it.

Unlike a lot of the people around me at the Village, I grew up in a Christian family. They weren't the legalistic, moralistic Flanders-ish people you might expect; my parents loved (well, love) Jesus and raised me to love Him as well, as best they could. They gave me my first few years of education in a Christian school to ground me in the Word alongside church and my parents' own efforts to teach me and show me God's love through their words and actions. Overall I would say that my parents set me up to succeed in every way possible--life was certainly not perfect, but looking back I certainly can't complain. I didn't walk around with some foreboding sense of guilt, but at the same time as a kid I don't think I fully understood the weight of the Gospel and what it meant to me.

I was a very bookish kid, spending as much time in the library as doing anything else during the summer and my times off from school. I'd read anything, and very quickly. All of this served to build in me a natural curiosity and subsequent desire to satisfy that curiosity. So when the Internet appeared, it was natural to jump into exploring it with both feet, and eventually we had our own computer at home, where I could spend time reading just about anything--comics, newspaper columns, primitive blogs, free from the prying eyes of librarians and the restraint of class time.

I don't remember the first time I saw something pornographic online or what led me to it, but I remember my justification for exploring it further: "Well, I just want to know more about this." An easy one for me to make given my natural disposition. My mind was very much compartmentalized at this point; I was able to look at porn and justify the behaviors it led me to--lying, treating other people like dirt when they wouldn't leave me alone, let alone actually downloading it--and then go to church for youth group and services without realizing the huge disconnect I had created.

Before long I had developed a full-blown addiction to pornography. I got busted a couple times and my parents expressed their grief over it in as much love as two frustrated parents could muster. I tried to deal with it but ultimately all I did was find better ways of hiding it. I knew the computer better than anyone else in the house, and I was able to find ways to cover up what I was doing. My addiction followed me to college, where four years in a dorm with my own computer allowed me to sink even lower.

For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.

Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.--Romans 1:18-25

There was a secondary branch to my life that must also be told. As I said, I was a kid who was very much into reading, and knowing things. Likewise, I was brought up to love Christ and while my heart wandered, my head stayed with what I'd been taught--indeed, it was in my knowledge that I was able to hold on at all, and it was with this that God was gracious enough to keep me from jumping off into full-blown sinful hedonism (and not the kind meant in this blog's name). I had plenty of it, but God held back the full might of His righteous judgment on me and instead allowed me in just far enough to realize where I was when He would call me back. But, we're not there yet.

So: I knew a lot of stuff. I knew what the Bible said at least enough to understand its implications about behavior, I was a kid who would go into battle over things like creation, the state of man's heart (though not my own), the truth of the Bible as far as it can be proven in a historical sense, and so on. So here's a humanity equation for you: what do you get when you add Christian morality together with sinful desires and multiply that by pride and a Gospel that hasn't truly fallen into one's heart? You get a young man who is becoming the kind of "Christian" who would just as soon use the cross as a club as welcome unbelievers to worship. You get someone who's not growing in love for Christ. You get someone who, if life continues this direction, ends up standing with the goats when Matthew 25 is played out.

My pride grew as my success in life grew over time. My skill as a musician had grown since high school and my pride along with it; I was being recognized, and when I entered the drum corps world success followed me there. Drum and bugle corps was very formative to a growing "I can do it by my own strength" attitude, an attitude that only served to depress my ability to be sympathetic. I received my bachelor's in music from Wichita State and ended up coming to the University of North Texas to do grad degree work. It was at this point that God began the painful process of kicking away all the supports that kept me on the path I was on.

The first one to go was drum corps. I got involved with a corps in the area for a couple seasons, and also put time in teaching both my old corps and another junior corps, but my finances began to contract as my expenses increased and soon I couldn't justify spending all this time on an activity that at the very least asked for my time for free, if not insisting that I pay to play. School was next, and fell victim to the same problem in its own way--my personal debt had grown but I wasn't making enough to pay my bills and do life, so I took on a second job. That plus grad school began to wear on me, and my grades suffered. By 2007 I found myself academically suspended from school.

All that was left was my perceived future as a professional performer. My at least temporary removal from school dealt a blow to that, but as I was a part of a group I loved performing with and saw making it at least as a regular working musician, I was confident. But in a few months that was put in jeopardy too, as the same sort of stresses that hurt any other group began to work on us and by the end of the year we were in danger of dissolving. All of this together with my sense of "I can fix all this, I'm good and smart enough" was building me into a man that, continued on this path of desire for self, would become bitter and angry. I still held on to God in my mind, but I refused to submit my heart to Him the way I had as a young kid.

I do believe that I was saved when I was young, but God allowed me to drift away that He might call me further into Him. Not that He said "You go commit sins because I want you to," but that He let me live my life in a way that I thought was right because on the other side of that, hope in Him meant so much more. I'm still thinking and praying on that, but regardless I am here now and I know that God will reveal the deeper theological truths in due time, when they will bring the most glory to Him and do the most good in me.

Near the end of 2007, a guy who was playing in my band at the time invited me to go to church with him. The Village had just opened its Denton campus, and I was understandably skeptical. "A video campus? How does that work? Do they go into reruns in the summer?" But, I ended up going in November, and hearing this sermon. I don't recall now what it was about that particular sermon that hit me so hard, but at the time it was like Matt was speaking directly to me, to what I was going through. I felt called at levels I'd never experienced before to start going regularly, and over the next few months I began attending recovery and I joined a homegroup, becoming a member of the church. In all the years since I had been a kid immersed in a Christian home and church, since I'd drifted out of church in college but still clung to belief in my mind, I'd never felt my heart ministered to so clearly. I had known stuff about God, but the years had shown that knowing and being able to debate meant little or nothing. There was a brokenness in me that I'd been trying to fill up--with ambition, with sex, with music--and yet it remained.

Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.--C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

God used all of this to call to me gently, lovingly, and to heal me. At once, He took what I had in my head for all these years--all the books read, all the scripture memorized but never really sunk in--and simultaneously, He showed that it was inadequate while He also brought those things into fruition in their proper place. He showed that humility was something in which there was joy, but that humility meant service, which means work, and working for God meant that I had a loving, understanding Boss who would never give me menial tasks and was the Provider of everything I needed to do it, a Boss that grants me my position not based on my worthiness but because He loves me.

I'm still learning what that work is, and over the last few months He's opened new things to me. But the immense joy in my life has come as God has moved to set me free from my addiction to lust and pornography, and renewed my heart for my sisters through His Son. I am deeply ashamed of where I was, and there may be women reading this that are personally aware of exactly where. If that is the case, I humbly ask for forgiveness for looking at you not as a fellow human and someone to love, but as an object to use for my own wicked desires. But my conviction has brought freedom. I still struggle, every day, and every day I offer this up to God: Give me the strength to resist temptation, the heart to serve, and the grace to cover when I fall. God has been gracious in all things and my joy grows because I know there is not condemnation waiting for me, but final and eternal freedom from my sin.

What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice. Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.--Philippians 1:18-21

As I said, this is a post I've had on my mind for a very long time, and lately I've felt driven to finally write it and post it. The battle in my heart between my sinful, selfish desires and the new desire to love God and know Him rages on, but I'm learning not to despair. God's given me joy in Him, joy that can't be quenched by rough times in life and which only grows with each new day--not some "Slap a big phony smile on because you love Jesus!" joy, but something more real than anything I've known before. I hope that out of this writing comes joy for more, a spreading of the Gospel, renewed hearts, and forgiveness.

The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.--1 Timothy 1:15

Enduring versus living

There was a time, not so long ago, where Twitter was something I was only vaguely acquainted with; it struck me as another one of those things which had managed to overwhelm the lives of people in a trivial way and I wanted little to do with it, he said as he checked Facebook for the thousandth time that day. But over time I ended up on there, and God has used it as a blessing on my life as I have been able to follow some of the greatest thinkers and preachers in Christendom today, as well as witness in my own, 140-characters-or-less way to friends and followers I've gathered. I on occasion have encountered those who disagree or oppose, but so much the better as it's provided opportunities for me to refine my own thinking--or, in the case of many whose own attitudes result in an inability to break the 140 character mark of critical thought, knowing when to pick my battles, although I don't always do so well at that.

Twitter has served as encouragement in times of pain and difficulty, which lately it's been for me. It's been a struggle to do life on a day by day basis when my general mode is to think in the long-term, and confronted with things like bills that I don't know how I'll pay, career questions I don't have the answer to--in short, the sort of things everyone has to deal with in life--I want to dig into either fear and anxiety or simply shut my eyes and hope it all goes away. Both are equally destructive choices, as one leads me to a dead stop in life and makes me useless as a person and as one who seeks God's plan for his life's ministry, while the other makes me useless because I become dishonest with the men I do life with, and I end up being another Christian who does the act, puts on the good face and goes to church and homegroup so he can mouth all the right platitudes before he goes home to a house that's on fire.

So it was encouraging for me to see a tweet from my friend and brother Clint Crawford of a Desiring God blog post from John Piper, whose philosophy and theology inspired this blog's name. He wasn't dealing with the same problems I am, but in his post I recognize the pain and the struggle against the unseen yet ever-present opponents of joy, despair and anger. To me it has been a battle 1) to come to know God as He is rather than as I would have Him be, 2) understand what it means to live a life in Christ when so much of my being that way is dependent on His mercy, and 3) what it really means to have joy in that. God has been so gracious in putting me around people who not only speak and teach well on this, but live it themselves, and I continue to pray that He will grant me the ability to live so well.

My own sins and temptations still loom large and through them both despair and anger grab hold of me--despair that I would ever be free of the lusts and brokenness that blacken my soul and distract my mind, anger at my lack of self-control. Thanks be to God for His immense grace, love and mercy, and I pray every day for more of all of it as well as a humble spirit that I might never be cavalier about my salvation. I thank God for Paul, who struggled with his thorn in his flesh and who accepted in joy Christ's answer to prayer, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Only in incredible arrogance was I able to live as though I controlled my own life, and it made the forgiveness and peace God showered on me in the moment He showed me His true self all the more sweet--no anger, no punishment, just Him, and in coming to know God I was able to worship "in Spirit and truth." But it's so easy to forget and it's so easy to go back into a "I have to control this" mode. God forgive me for those times.

There are times still now where I wish I could bail out on life. Struggle, toil and work for pain and little else in return appeals little, and the enemy blinds and smothers with life's difficulties. But the joy of growing, one day at a time, into knowing God and walking with Him, being filled with the Spirit, strengthens me as I dig into the Word and as I seek solace and reflection with other men who struggle alongside me. Christ paid my bill already, covered my sin, and in the joy of freedom I walk forward, one step at a time. I pray each day for the next one, that I would be able to reflect God's love all the more, though He knows how often I fail. Thankfully, He's also there to pick me up again. He has transformed my life from enduring pain until the next brief instance of joy, into true life in His Son.

The humanist looks at the biblical promises of life in Christ and sees nonsense. "We're already alive, and it's a known fact that Christians die just like non-Christians. Where is this 'real life' supposed to be?" And truly enough, for even Jesus died--but He also rose again, and into the fullness of life as God intended it to be, not in a weak body that gets tired or sick or hungry but into real eternity. I don't pretend to understand the fullest implications of that, but I do know that every day I know a bit more, and that one day I shall know it fully. I pray that today will be a day that new people have their eyes opened to the truth that is Christ, to the reality of His life that extends beyond what culture has appropriated and into real, lasting life.

Joy to be fighting

Today has been one of those days where I am so incredibly thankful for God's grace in not only saving me, but putting me around Godly men that encourage me with their examples. Tomorrow is a seminar being put on by the church as a lead-in to the upcoming men's Bible study; the seminar is being put on by Mitch Maher, a preacher out of Houston, and is called Clarifying the Bible. Maher shows how the whole Bible is linked together as one narrative, and I'm excited to go there and be a part of it, and to spend time serving at the same time. I recall days of my youth where the idea of getting up early to help with anything would have been met with annoyance and anger, but thankfully that man is dead, replaced by a spirit of willingness and love of service, one modeled by my own father.

I'm also incredibly thankful and prayerful for my pastor, Matt Chandler, who I've written about below. Matt is in the middle of the initial intense treatment for his cancer, and has a new update posted:



Matt and his family have been through so much, but at the same time it's amazing to see how God uses this time where he has been somewhat incapacitated from many of his normal activities to raise up other people in the church, and to demonstrate that this church is not a work of Matt's but one of God's.

Seeing all this gives me strength to fight my battles with my own sin, and lets me rejoice in the midst of painful times. Seeing the examples around me allows me to preach to my own downcast soul and call it out of self-pity and despair; it allows me to fight even when the enemy tries to convince me I'm not good enough to stand my ground. I thank God for days like today, where struggles are coupled with strength, and I'm so incredibly glad that He's always providing the strength to fight each day.

2010 prayers and thoughts

Father, I'm tired...please let me rest in You.
Father, I'm weak...please let me be strong in You.
Father, I'm a sinner...please make me holy in You.
Father, I'm alone...please let me be with You.
Father, I'm hungry...please let me eat at Your table.
Father, I'm thirsty...please let me drink the water of life.
Father, I'm falling...please don't let me fall away.
Father, I don't deserve anything...but Your goodness shines so brightly I can desire nothing else.

I am such a broken and sinful man, yet You have proven to me that Your love is greater than anything, and Your forgiveness surpasses the strength of all sin. Father, I beg you for the strength and the will to live as a man who is free from that. On my own I can do nothing, with You there is nothing in Your will I cannot achieve.

Help me to remember than when sin looks so good.