Idling rough

I'm supposed to be back in Texas right now, recovering from a long drive, yet I'm not. Instead, I am still here in Kansas City at my parents' house. Car's in the shop...again. Last year I was stuck here for four weeks while mechanics endeavored to replace my transmission, spending several weeks attempting a rebuild before just putting a new one in. By that point I was ready to grab someone by the lapels and tell them to GET - ME - OUT - OF - HERE.

Cars have been the boon and bane of my existence virtually since I started driving. Always key to me getting what I need, always dying at the worst times (although this time at least, I was home, rather than in the middle of nowhere). I take after a writer I like and name my vehicles after Star Trek starships. The first thing I drove with any frequency lent its own name to that, an 84 Plymouth Voyager that met its end at the hands and pickup truck of a drunk driver late one night while my parents were driving.

The first one I was in for any length, though, was a 90 Ford Aerostar that came about as a result of that accident. I dubbed it the Enterprise; it was old and beat up, fast and relatively sturdy, way past its lifespan, yet when it did finally go it still felt like it had gone before its time. I always imagined it as the original Enterprise after the rebuild job in The Motion Picture, kept around because there was too much goodwill attached to it for it to be scrapped. I drove it into the ground, not only around Wichita but to two seasons of drum corps before the thing finally would take no more.

Its replacement was a 96 Dodge Grand Caravan I christened the Enterprise-A, and like its predecessor it was sleek, pretty, had nice modern features, and was a lemon. We picked it up for a fourth of blue book value and spent the remainder of that value or more fixing it. Every time I'd have to have something else ridiculous done to it I'd imagine Scotty cursing in the bowels of the ship at the beginning of the fifth movie: "'Let's see what she's got,' said the captain. And we found out, didn't we?"

Yes, I'm a nerd. No, it doesn't bother me one bit.

Right now, it's the Defiant, a 97 Chevy Lumina that I recently learned has a history as a cop car before it made its way to my family. It didn't surprise me; it has the sort of tenacity and feel I would expect from such a vehicle, which makes it ideal for sliding around town with pizzas or punching through rush hour traffic on the way to a gig.

Ack--Just now I accidentally clicked some random button on this godforsaken toolbar-ridden browser on my parents' computer and it whisked me away to Google. Thank goodness for autosaving.

Anyway...hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to get out of here, and get back to some semblance of a routine. Being away from Denton for a while is nice, but one thing is for sure: the length of time I spend here is inversely proportional to how relaxing it is for me.

Home for the holidays

This marks one year since the last time I was here at home with my family, and the first time in two that we've all been in one place together. My brother being off with the Marines makes get-togethers difficult at times, and I chose to stay in Texas for Thanksgiving this time around. It's been nice to be back with everyone, though.

And that's the first time I can remember saying that...well, almost ever. For a long time I regarded returning home with a mixture of dread and annoyance, with a dash of "well, it's free food." I considered it interference in my general desire for privacy, and what would generally begin as a relatively pleasant visit usually ended in confrontation between myself and (usually) my mom. This time around my whole attitude has been different, more helpful all around, with less effort spent trying to find solitude in a house with seven people in it.

Transformation of the heart, indeed...I just want it to keep moving.

One thing that is not moving for the moment: me. My car threw the serpentine belt and something else related to it while on the way to drop off some suits at the cleaner's. My dad and I limped it over to the dealership, where a polo shirt-clad service agent gravely assessed the situation and hung a cardboard placard with a number on the mirror. It's not as bad as it might be, but worse than it could. As usual. Oh well, better here than in the middle of BFE, Oklahoma (AKA, all of Oklahoma).

One situation that has required a more serious consideration is getting to New York in two weeks. My band is supposed to perform at a major arts conference there, but to get there I need to track down the cash to buy my own plane ticket. I think I can afford it, with what I've gotten for Christmas and earned working. I'm going to see if my dad has enough frequent flyer miles to get a discount at least...it would be nice to save a little.

I did get one nice surprise at Christmas: my sister got me a Garmin Nuvi. Generally Christmas brings generally the same things; I get a book or two, usually some new item of clothing, a couple gift cards to B&N or related spots, and of course, I always get chocolate-covered cherries. Not sure how this started, but they seem to be a universal constant. Well, I did get those, but the Garmin was a real surprise, and pleasant enough since I've been wanting a GPS now for some time.

We venture out today to my dad's dad's place in Illinois; his 80th birthday party is tomorrow and it sounds like it'll be a pretty good one.

Some scripture for today

Matthew 22:1-14:

And again Jesus spoke to them [the chief priests and elders] in parables, saying, "The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who gave a wedding feast for his son, and sent his servants to call those who were invited to the wedding feast, but they would not come. Again he sent other servants, saying, 'Tell those those who are invited, See, I have prepared my dinner, my oxen and my fat calves have been slaughtered and everything is ready. Come to the wedding feast.' But they paid not attention and went off, one to his farm, another to his business, while the rest seized his servants, treated them shamefully, and killed them. The king was angry, and he sent his troops and destroyed those murderers and burned their city. Then he said to his servants, ' The wedding feast is ready, but those invited were not worthy. Go therefore to the main roads and invite to the wedding feast as many as you find.' And those servants went out into the roads and gathered all whom they found, both bad and good. So the wedding hall was filled with guests.

"But when the king came in to look at the guests, he saw there a man who had no wedding garment. And he said to him, 'Friend, how did you get in here without a wedding garment?' And he was speechless. Then the king said to his attendants, 'Bind him hand and foot and cast him into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.' For many are called, but few are chosen."

Quite honestly, this is one of those sections that gives me trouble, partially because it's easier to understand within the larger context of the preceding and succeeding chapters, and partially because there are some things that require a greater knowledge of the scriptures to know God's promises to His people, the Israelites. For example, the man who had no wedding garments--what the heck is that? The Bible holds a few possible answers, including Ezekiel 16:10-13:

I clothed you also with embroidered cloth and shod you with fine leather. I wrapped you in fine linen and covered you with silk. And I adorned you with ornaments and put bracelets on your wrists and a chain on your neck. And I put a ring on your nose and earrings in your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen and silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour and honey and oil. You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty.

But what I think Jesus is referring to is the idea, repeated many times throughout the Scriptures, that righteousness does not come from our actions or from us in any way. It only comes from God, through His grace. The men Jesus was talking to were men who would have considered themselves very righteous--they had, after all, dedicated their lives to God's law, to interpreting it and following it, and exhorting the people of Israel to the same. Yet Jesus compared them both to murderous and insulting men invited to a feast, and then again to a man who comes to the feast but is cast out for being unworthy in manner of dress.

I've actually heard this used as an argument for why we're supposed to put on our Sunday finest every time we go to church, but to put it lightly, I think that's extremely short-sighted. Jesus says in the story that everyone found on the main roads "both bad and good" were brought in to the feast. This is neither a wholesale rejection of the Jewish people as God's own, nor is it a claim that you can still be an evil person yet be accepted into heaven. What it is, is Jesus saying that the elect, the few who are chosen, are not chosen because of how righteous they try to make themselves, but by how much they recognize their own unrighteousness and seek to be clothed in holiness through the grace of God. Through running after the law the Jewish people had found nothing but condemnation, but Jesus came to offer an invitation to God's great wedding feast. In the religious leaders, however, Jesus found men who would sooner reject God's great feast than give up any claim to the righteousness they believed they had achieved for themselves.

Recovering

So, I didn't get to delve into the topic of service like I intended to over the last week. Thanksgiving weekend was much busier than I anticipated it being, and now I'm contending with what seems to be a nasty head cold.

There's been much more to it, but I won't ramble on about all the intricacies of the last week...at least not yet. I will say that the opportunity to serve and meet others in the community last Thanksgiving as I helped at my church's Thanksgiving meal they put on was incredible. It was great to see so many people from different walks of life coming together to eat, and to see so many of my brothers and sisters in Christ come out to reach out in love to serve the community and get to know the people that live and work around us.

I'll post something up later...my head is stuffed up and I can barely summon up the patience to sit here and write this small amount.

A Thanksgiving theme

This is a big week for America, one where we get together with loved ones (or, in some cases, not-so-loved ones) and partake of relatively huge feasts of foods we might otherwise not touch the rest of the year. Most people have forgotten or just never knew what Thanksgiving was instituted for, and I'm not going to recount that in this post (though I may in a later one). However, I am going to write about the attitude I am seeking to carry all the time, but this week especially.

Matthew 19 and 20 have events and parables that reflect one basic precept of the kingdom of heaven: a man who seeks to be a leader amongst those of the kingdom is not one who sets himself up as a great ruler, or one who is able to command others to do his bidding. Rather, a man who would become this sort of leader is one who would humble himself to do the lowest jobs called for, one who would set himself below all others so that he might serve them. In 20:16-30, a rich young man comes to Jesus and asks what moral act is further required of him to get into heaven:

And behold, a man came up to him saying, "Teacher, what good deed must I do to have eternal life?" And he said to him, "Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only one who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments." He said to him, "Which ones?" And Jesus said, "You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not bear false witness, honor your father and mother, and, you shall love your neighbor as yourself." The young man said to him, "All these I have kept. What do I still lack?" Jesus said to him, "If you would be perfect, go, swell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.

And Jesus said to his disciples, "Truly, I say to you, only with difficulty will a rich person enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God." When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished, saying, "Who then can be saved?" But Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Then Peter said in reply, "See, we have left everything and followed you. What then will we have?" Jesus said to them, "Truly, I say to you, in the new world, when the Son of Man will sit on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.

This is confusing to a lot of people, and many take it to mean that if you are rich, you cannot be saved. Many opportunistic peddlers of God's Word use it as a way to get people to give much of their income to their church or ministry. Certainly money can be a hindrance to closeness with God, as it can engender both fear in lean times and laxity in times of abundance (and I certainly deal with both). But as Jesus said, to follow Him one must be willing to become a servant--to become last. In those days saying "humble yourself" didn't have quite the same connotations it does today. "Make yourself like your lowest servant" would have meant some rather bad things to a lot of people. Even still, to further complicate the issue, simply doing it on the outside is not any better than not doing it at all.

Just as Paul calls for Christians to be cheerful givers in 2nd Corinthians, so we must seek to be cheerful servants. Everything we have is from God, and for God. He has blessed me richly, and because of that I want to react in that overflow of God's love by reaching out to others. This week especially, I am excited by the prospects of service laid before me. Not because I want some kudos or pats on the back, but because it's a chance to get my hands dirty for someone else, to do just a little bit for another what Christ did for me, and hoping that I reflect just a bit of His glory in that act. This week's post will be about the general theme of service for others in times of plenty.

Seeking desire

So, it's been a few days since I posted last. It's been a busy time, filled with work, travel and in general stress and running around. Plenty of time to build experience for writing about what I promised to address in list form several days ago: the things that drive my affections away from God, and towards the things of the world. There's nothing wrong with enjoying the world, because there are a lot of things to be enjoyed--but in the end, they're all temporal, gone in a flash. God is everlasting, and where I want to place my greatest desires. So here's a list of the things that surround those times when I don't desire God, and what I seek to avoid (but, admittedly, often fail):

*Missing out on time in the Word. I'd consider this something of a no-brainer, but a crucial one. So many times God has led me to deeper understandings of my life day to day through passages I'm led to, and I've been pretty good about getting into it lately. But, it's not something that comes naturally (and even as a big reader I must admit that), and I have to push myself to stay in it. It's also a big area of spiritual warfare; every single time I get ready to delve into it a million things pop into my head that I need to do right now. I become unnaturally productive when it comes time to study the Scriptures.

*Fatigue. This has been a big one lately; I haven't been sleeping very well lately and with getting up early for work, that makes keeping my energy up and the desire to be positive and proactive about God difficult. However, it's an issue I do my best to deal with, going to bed early if I can and taking the issue to God in prayer.

Now for two contradictory ones:

*Working too much. When I spend every waking moment save the ones coming or going from home working, it's hard to want to wake up even earlier to read the Bible or pray; I often make up for it by listening to sermon podcasts in the car when I deliver, but too much of that without getting a chance to read, or pray alone and for as long as needed without interruption, or to go out and serve, is like trying to do nothing but inhale; it starts out pretty well, but in the end you end up out cold and you don't necessarily get as much good out of it as you might think you would.

*Working too little. Extended periods of nothing have just as destructive an effect on my affections for God. Rest is important, but if I only work two days in a week it's hard to have a daily routine and it's easy to spend all my time on frivolous things or worse (thankfully, my new job has allowed me to deal with this somewhat). And that leads into the next one:

*Spending too much time focused on some sort of fictional universe. A lot of guys have this problem, spending hours and hours each day playing video games, watching movies or TV shows, reading, etc. There's nothing inherently wrong with any of those things--but as the central point in life, they are sorely lacking. For me it's generally one of a few things: for example, on days off I often find myself sitting around watching episode after episode of some show online, like King of the Hill or the Simpsons, or becoming curious about some movie or book and end up spending hours plowing through Wikipedia articles on them in an effort to learn more. After doing this I always feel empty and bothered, and often more bored than when I started.

My new job has allowed me a better chance to have a daily routine to combat this, and God has put opportunities for me to keep busy on days off as well. For example, Saturday I have the day off completely, but I'll be going to the Frontier rehearsal camp, and perhaps getting involved again on some level. With a new schedule and greater financial freedom than before, it would be nice to experience the joys of drum corps again--even then, though, I don't want to tread back across into "too busy" territory.

And the big one:

*Getting angry. I am a man with a big ol' load of pride, I'll tell you. All it takes is someone being a jerk on the road, an unwelcome telemarketer (and yes, they seem to be back, somehow), getting stiffed on a delivery, or someone in charge of me in any of my jobs giving me some heat, and all bets are off. Or at least, they were...it's something God has brought to my attention in big bright neon letters, and I strive to turn to Him every time I feel that burst of heated indignation over what are, of course, really stupid things.

On the same token, there are sometimes perfectly legitimate things that tempt me towards anger that I know will only lead to negative things. There are people that I have and do perform with that on occasion will get riled up themselves and get up at me about it in anger. Snapping back, of course, only makes things worse. I strive not to be quick to anger, but instead to show love in all these situations, and it's only through seeking God and making Him my central desire that I find myself able to do that naturally.

There are doubtlessly many more and again with this, I will edit it later. But it's a start and it's important stuff. These are what I strive to put behind me; though I fail often, I am hopeful in God and in His promise not to discontinue His good work in me.

Scripture for today

So in my effort to hold myself accountable, I'm going to start posting at least some of what I feel led to pay attention to in the course of going through the Word. Right now I'm in the book of Matthew.

Matthew 12:6-8

"I tell you, something greater that the temple is here. And if you had known what this means, 'I desire mercy and not sacrifice,' you would not have condemned the guiltless. For the Son of Man is lord of the Sabbath."

Once again, the basic theme of the Bible: God wants us to love Him above anything or anyone else. It is greatest commandment, after all. God set down the Sabbath so that His people would put their work down and spend time enjoying Him, rejoicing in Him and taking advantage of what He had blessed them with in order that they might grow more deeply as a community that sought God together, and that they might not forget that He wants to bring them true joy.

However, by the time of Christ the Sabbath had become a day of obligation, full of rules and laws set down by different religious leaders that placed what Christ called in Luke 11 "burdens hard to bear" on God's people. There was no rejoicing, but rather as in everything else it was entirely focused on outward actions with no thought given to the state of the heart.

I have to deal with the same problems today. I swing back and forth between wanting to make it a day full of obligation and work, devoting time to a million things that I think will glorify God, and on the other end I want to spend the whole day just lounging around doing nothing. I want to come out of my Sabbath feeling rested, and feeling closer to God, full of praise and ready to take the next steps on my walk with Christ. That means different things all the time--and sometimes it means my Sabbath isn't always Sunday, but it's a day God has set out for me to spend time away from work and regular life to just relax in His love, and to spend time with those who bring me closer to my community of believers and stir my affections for Him the most. Yes, that's somewhat vague, but the Scriptures don't contain step by step instructions for every moment of a God-honoring Sabbath; it's something I seek out in prayer and praise. I want a heart that craves Him more today than it did yesterday, and on the Sabbath I have a chance to be reminded that striving after God is not work for the sake of work, but is rather about a new kind of joy.

And now, I choose to recite a list: Part 1

Ahem...
Tetherball
Olympic race
Sparkling--

No, wait. This is supposed to be listing out things that stir my affections for God. Let's get that back on track:

*Studying the Word--This would seem to be a no-brainer, but honestly it hasn't always been that way. For a long time I would open the Bible to a passage I was vaguely familiar with and try to study it, usually with little success. Occasionally I would embark on trying to read a book, but not for any particular reason and more often than not would come out confused; I had little framework other than a desire to understand, and I rarely spent any time praying about the issue. I relied upon myself to understand and didn't take time to realize that God is actively speaking through His Word, not just relying on us to interpret things through some magical code. My attitudes and methods have changed considerably, and now I'm able to approach the Bible as it is intended to be approached: as a way of seeing Christ and His way in front of me, that I might seek to follow.

*Reading other books--Right now I'm in the middle of Desiring God by John Piper (as if this blog's name didn't make that obvious enough), as well as the Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, which I read before when I was younger. It's very interesting to put the two books side by side: a book that exhorts us to focus our heart's deepest desires on God next to a book that fictionally(?) narrates a conversation between two demons on the subject of interfering with one particular human's affections for God. Going through them, studying the themes and the points they make helps me to start on my own trains of thought, start connecting things together both in the books and in the Scriptures.

*Writing--Here, for example, although this is not the exclusive domain. I keep a couple private journals, one more personal-oriented and one geared toward my reading at the time, the latter of which is found on a series of yellow legal pads I keep around depending on the book and subject. It helps to take the information I've just taken in and digest it into something that I can then use to show myself I really understood it--or, that I didn't, and that I need to keep seeking understanding. It's also useful for looking back on where I've come from.

*Prayer--For beginning or ending a day, dealing with a disruption, refocusing on what's important, pretty much anything, there's nothing better.

This is all the basic stuff that, honestly, any Christian ought to spend time doing. There is more, though.

*Music--This is a tricky one for me. Music can pull me in a lot of different directions, and as a musician I'm rather picky about music. A lot of Christian music does very little for me; it strikes me as Cartmanesque "just replace the word 'baby' with the word 'Jesus'" type music. Added to the fact that much of the music I'm currently spending time listening to--funk, hip-hop, R&B and the like--has little to do with the sort of music they use at church. But the righteousness of the truth contained in the message combined with how much they really mean what they sing has helped give me at least some tunes that help me to cool out and focus past myself, at least to clear my head and get me into a state of mind where I can pray and seek God rather than myself.

Now two completely contradicting ones:

*Time alone--I'm naturally something of a loner, so this isn't so hard. But all of the above away from the hustling around of everyday life is crucial to me moving forward; it's all the more important when I'm on the road, especially since it's hard to find then.

*Time with others--The Scriptures call for Christians to be a part of a community of believers, but that extends beyond an hour or two on Sunday morning. Having people to do life with, to get to know on a deep level, to serve next to, to laugh and cry and pray with, is incredibly important to walking the narrow path. Others hold us accountable, while at the same time reminding us that even when we go wrong God forgives and is always there for us. And yes, that hour or two on Sunday is important as well, to keep us all on course and help us connect on a regular basis.

*Serving others--This is a two-parter; I serve others in the church, and in the community. If I spend all my time taking in and taking in and don't let anything out, I might as well not even begin. That's what James 2:20 means by "Faith without works is dead." Faith does not descend from works, but works are an overflow of the love of God that He grows in us. Now we're starting to get into territory of deeper theology in some ways; the issue of works vs. faith in the role of salvation is key. But the Bible's constant focus on the state of the human heart as the primary issue is the key; works therefore are supposed to flow out from a heart that loves God deeply and desires him most of all. A man who gives money to another man out of a desire to make that man feel as though he owes him, or to gain attention for himself has received his reward already, as Jesus said. But a man who gives to another out of a desire to reach out to another driven by a life lived in a Gospel is storing up treasure in heaven.

I'm sure there's more, and I'll probably update this later, but that's all for now. Tomorrow, the things that push away my affections from God, or at least a small sampling.

The struggle

I wrote in the last post about what the Scripture calls all believers to: we are to make God the center of our hope and joy, and to take great joy in Him and in serving Him. Thusly, we are to take joy in doing good, because that joy is lasting, it grows with us and in us, transforming us into men who are bent towards an eternity spent with God.

Yet, my heart is still chock-full of desires different from and even opposing that.

I look at a woman and am filled with desires and thoughts that amaze me in their graphic detail (and make me wish to have half as much detail in my writing as my mind generates for such garbage). Not constantly, of course, but on occasion. Likewise, most of the time when I'm driving down the road I'm courteous, I try my best to be positive and safe. But when traffic gets ridiculous, or someone nearly slams into me, it's easy to justify an outburst. Pride and lust are my oldest friends and greatest enemies.

Of course, one must not discount the issues of spiritual warfare. The Bible is clear that we are under attack from unseen forces that wish to influence us away from God and towards our baser selves. The degree to which we react to that influence or to what we are being influenced varies; C.S. Lewis' famous Screwtape Letters is of course an intriguing notion of how demons view us in their role as tempters and servants of the enemy. In Ephesians 6:10-20 Paul calls for us to be active in combating these forces, for they are our true enemies:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.

Which is all fine and good. But what does it mean to me when I feel drawn to something I know good and well is wrong and destructive to me? Operating on fear isn't exactly a good motivator; even if I managed to slink through life without doing the sinful actions that draw me most, I still have several issues, the primary one being that external actions are not what God is most concerned with in humans. From beginning to end the Bible is insistently about the idea that our bodies are important, but they are also temporal--everything we do, see and experience is little more than a shadow, to use C.S. Lewis' famous analogy, a vague symbol of the true reality waiting for us beyond this life and this world. It is why Paul exhorts his readers in Romans 12, "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

How do I find transformation? Only through God. And I find God by finding what stirs up my affections for Him, whatever it is that makes my heart focus on Him above all things and push aside sinful temptations. Contrariwise, there are a myriad of things that distract from my attention to God. The world today is seemingly built expressly for the purpose of making us look away from Him; we remain in a locked room with no windows convinced of the beauty of our surroundings, even while He knocks gently on the door, entreating us to open it.

What attracts me? What repels? Two important questions I shall delve into here.

Our heart's desire

In my first post here I proclaimed myself to be a Christian Hedonist, with no apologies. It's a term that has driven a lot of controversy since John Piper first started using it quite some time ago. Many non-believers are thrown by the concept (although a good way to engage is to disrupt a preconception) and many Christians are disturbed by attaching what they have long considered a descriptor for an abased, immoral life to the descriptor for their salvation. Not undue concerns--but the concept deserves much more than surface-level criticism: it deserves serious discussion and consideration.

What is it the Bible really commands of those who follow it? Does it call for cold duty-bound lives that serve God with hands motivated only by the rightness of their actions? Or does God call us to something more and greater than a rote list of good works?

Duty-bound stoicism has been all the rage in the post-Enlightenment world when it comes to morality. The idea that a good act is neutralized by our desire to do it or by our enjoyment of the act and its results is an old one. But how is this notion biblical? God calls all creation to love Him, to rejoice in Him and make Him our focal point. Deuteronomy 12 focuses on places of worship and the preparation and consumption of burnt sacrifices, yet includes even among this the command in verse 12 and again in verse 18, as one obey's the Lord's commands in these respects, to "rejoice before the Lord your God...in all that you undertake." In Psalm 51 David cries out to God "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me," in verses 18 and 19 saying that God takes pleasure in what is righteous: "Do good to Zion in your good pleasure; build up the walls of Jerusalem; then will you delight in right sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar." If we are seeking to walk with God, how can we not take joy in what brings Him joy?

The New Testament is just as insistent, if not more so, that what God wants is not actions on our part but a rightness of spirit and a deep desire for God in our hearts. When Jesus admonishes his disciples not to give to those in need in flamboyant fashions but rather to do it discretely, He doesn't tell them to do it simply because "it's the right thing to do." "Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you."

Paul over and over again exhorts the bodies of believers the world over to cast aside the pursuit of short-term, disappointing pleasures of the flesh--but he doesn't call them to replace it with nothing. He instead calls for all followers of Christ to not only to obey, but to take great joy in obeying and in the act and reward of loving God and doing as He commands. Through all writings he proclaims the true joy-seeking found in pursuing God, and the desire of reward from God that drives all Christians. God did not instill in humans a desire for reward only to then insist that we ignore it. No, as C.S. Lewis said, our desires are simply too weak, and misdirected. We run after stupid things that evaporate in our hands when God offers us real, eternal rewards in His presence.

The flip side of all this is the prosperity gospel, the notion that yes, God does want us to take pleasure--through Him, by enjoying earthly rewards of money, things, good health, good food, and good living. These things are elevated to ultimate, while God is demoted to the role of Santa Claus, going forth to fetch the good life for those who have said the right set of magic words and fork over a goodly sum of their income to a pastor who parlays it into big churches and bigger houses, cars, jets, etc. This is not what we are called to, and the fact that virtually everyone who led the charge to follow Christ and making walking with Him the focal point of our desires died very badly should speak to that.

We American Christians have become soft and spoiled in this environment of plenty and freedom we've grown up in. We've never had to face the notion of being arrested simply for what we believe, or of starving to death because you can't do business with your neighbors. We've never had mobs show up at our houses to kill all the men and rape and enslave the women. This, however, is the reality that I daresay most Christians in this world face; if not this, than at the very least they face lives of want and pain, without what we consider even the most basic needs of life, like a roof over our head, or food, or central air. Yet these Christian still pursue Him, because they know how valuable he is. We've got so many things distracting us and we run after them, because we can't imagine not having them. So many get called to give up those things for His sake...and say no.

I pray every day that I will grow farther from that and closer to a place where God is the irresistible center of my hopes and desires. Not because I'm so great, but quite the opposite: I am constantly battling with my deceitful and desperately sick heart, and I want nothing more than to be free of that so that I may love and serve God with every ounce of my being.

So I seek my reward unabashed--not in money, or any other perishable, but in a growing relationship with God.

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21

Valuing what's ultimate

It's Wednesday morning, November 5th, and a day after an historic election. For me, it is a day to face up to losing: I've been a conservative for a very long time and I am no fan of President-elect Obama's plans to raise taxes or redistribute wealth. Quite frankly, I see him as Jimmy Carter part two, set to pile bad economic policy on the back of an already-weak economy; I highly suspect that the people who flocked to him so readily during his campaign will have a very different opinion of him on the other side of his term. But, that's simply my opinion. How am I as a Christian to treat this election outcome--and any leader? I know plenty of Christians who supported Obama, and plenty who cared for neither candidate. For a long time now many Christians have attempted to organize as some sort of voting bloc, but as C.S. Lewis pointed out in Mere Christianity, going to the Scriptures simply to find ammunition for my political side rarely ends well or helps build my own relationship with God in a positive direction. It takes God out of the ultimate position in my life and replaces it with a political end, with Him as the means.

No matter what we're trying to use God as a means to get to, the Scriptures make it clear that this is not the way we're supposed to live our lives or pursue Him. They also speak clearly on the issue of obedience to earthly authorities. Except when they attempt to interfere in the worship of God, we are to obey and to be good citizens of our nations.

During Jesus' time on Earth, the issue of paying taxes to the Romans was a very heated one for many Jews. The Romans took the vast majority of the population's wealth and used it to fund an army that oppressed and on occasion slaughtered that same population; thus, tax collectors weren't exactly the most popular guys in town, and many regarded paying taxes as an affront to God's position as master of the Jewish people. This was not a free and open society like ours today, yet Christ gave them no leeway because of it:

Matthew 22:15-22:

Then the Pharisees went and plotted how to entangle him in his words. And they sent their disciples to him, along with the Herodians, saying, "Teacher, we know that you are true and teach the way of God truthfully, and you do not care about anyone’s opinion, for you are not swayed by appearances. Tell us, then, what you think. Is it lawful to pay taxes to Caesar, or not?" But Jesus, aware of their malice, said, "Why put me to the test, you hypocrites? Show me the coin for the tax." And they brought him a denarius. And Jesus said to them, "Whose likeness and inscription is this?" They said, "Caesar’s." Then he said to them, "Therefore render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s." ²²When they heard it, they marveled. And they left him and went away.

The Pharisees sought to trap Jesus in a no-win scenario: they thought that if they could get him to say they should pay taxes, they could use that to drive away his followers, but if they caught him saying that they should not, they could turn him over to the Romans as an insurrectionist. Their foolishness prevented them from seeing the truth: Jesus did not come to concern himself with earthly authorities and kings. He came to establish a heavenly kingdom on Earth, and with God as the ultimate point of worship in the lives of those who claim residence there, the actions of earthly rulers scarcely matter in comparison.

Peter and Paul both echo this:

1 Peter 2:13-17

Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people. Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.

Romans 13:1-7

Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer. Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God’s wrath but also for the sake of conscience. For because of this you also pay taxes, for the authorities are ministers of God, attending to this very thing. Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed.

Keep in mind, both of these men were later executed by the government they were telling contemporary Christians to be obedient to, because that government demanded they renounce Christ. They died because God remained ultimate in their lives--and they gained the ultimate reward. Christ did not come to set up Christians as a voting bloc to "defend God," as if He could possibly lose. That is not to say that we should not spend time praying and seeking the Word for wisdom when making a decision in an election, but for too many God has left the position of ultimate point of worship, and has become a means by which Christians on both side of the political aisle pursue their agendas.

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12

So what does it all mean for me? It means that no matter how much I might think that the election results spell trouble, I keep my eyes on God and continue pursuing Him. It means that I value Him higher than even my own life, because in that lies greater rewards.

It also means that I owe our new President-elect the same respect that I would give to someone I preferred. I don't get to indulge in "Obama Derangement Syndrome" though honest criticism based in the truth will be thoroughly present. I do pray that no matter what happens, that God's hand is on our government and our country and that He will turn the hearts of stone in so many people to hearts of flesh that desire Him and worship Him with fervor, no matter their politics.

I am a Christian hedonist

Welcome to everyone, believer or unbeliever, friend or...um...not friend, to this, my blog. I've had other blogs elsewhere in the past, abandoned for various reasons, but I have felt compelled in the course of my spiritual walk to return to the net.

I am a man who has been through a lot in the last year, at least in my heart. I grew up in church, in a Christian family, but only in the last year have I really come to an understanding of what that means, or what it means to make God ultimate in my life. I want to use this blog as a tool of accountability for myself: accountability in my Scriptural seeking, in my attitudes towards the things of life as I walk down the road each day, and accountability in my attitudes towards others whether they find themselves believers or not. I want to leave behind pride and selfishness and replace them with humility, service to others, and love.

By the same token, I know that there are a great number of people out there who will look at what I write here and find much disagreement with it, even outright offensiveness. If that is the case, I encourage all of you to comment, to discuss and disagree and I promise you all that I will engage you with the utmost of respect and intellectual honesty. However, I will say this also: those who come here to abuse and disrupt will not find me tolerant of such behavior.

I am not Ned Flanders. I drink, I dance, I curse when the moment calls for it. I enjoy my life, and I'm incredibly thankful to God for what He's blessed me with: a place to live, providence for the things I need in my life, a career that is growing and that I find enjoyable, and family and friends that love me and help me in my times of need. But one thing Ned and I have in common is a driving love for God and a desire to grow deeper in Him. That's why I am joyfully borrowing John Piper's descriptor "Christian hedonist" for myself. I am as big a fan of pleasure in life as any other man--but I've had enough experience with all the short-term pleasure givers to know that they don't last, and in the long run all they bring is pain and frustration. The only lasting pleasure comes from the true Author of joy.

One of my heroes, C.S. Lewis, put it thusly in his book The Weight of Glory:

If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that the Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

In this spirit I will inform all comers that you will not find fire and brimstone preaching here. No one can be scared into heaven, for heaven is not established for those who fear hell, but those whose deepest joy in life, whose ultimate thing, is God, and who find themselves fully in love with Him. A man who was not in love with God could scarcely stand to enter heaven; he is too concerned with himself.

In closing I will again address those who find this offensive, and I know both believers and non-believers will look at this and see nothing but sources of anger for them. I encourage you all, in a spirit of love and brotherhood, to talk it out with me and with each other. My belief in the unyielding truth of the Gospel is not going anywhere, but I will never use that as an excuse to mistreat anyone. I'm looking forward to seeing how this part of my walk goes, and I hope you will all walk with me in time.